a sunday in march

HelllllOooooooo...???!!?!?

Where in the hell have I been? Oh, ya know....living, working, breathing. You'd think I could take 12 minutes and just write something here in case anybody is still checking. How hard could that be?

Let's see... what's new since I last posted? (3 months ago!)

Nothing, really.


I lost some weight, learned that I'm fine and gained back a few.

Oh! I almost cut off my thumb in the paper-cutter the other day! (almost.)

I didn't win the Dream Home in Sonoma. I thought sure that I would...

This year brought a new attitude and a new principal and I'm loving my job again. It's a sad time, however. California is in a gigantic budgetary hole and Education is getting hit. HARD. Last week, 7 of our teachers were handed lay-off notices. I've been certain that my job is safe because there is only 1 School Office Manager at each school and I'm the one. But I hear more cuts will be made and I could get "bumped". Time will tell......

How boring is this?
(All I have to do is bring up this "create post" box, and I'm at a loss for words.)

Perhaps in another 3 months I'll think of something interesting to share.

I'll just post some pics of where I've been since last we met...

Only in California...

New Year's Eve eve...

J. Paul Getty Villa









Wine tasting...

Annual Girls' weekend in Palm Desert




Shopping for shoes!!

2009 Race for the Cure...

Happy Spring!

And she's back...

Holy sleet! It's been a long time since I've posted!


You know that theory about the older you get, the quicker time passes? Does it EVER! I can NOT believe we're 2 days away from Christmas. This year we decided (out of necessity, really..) that we would keep things to a minimum. It guess it's a good thing because I don't think I'd have been ready otherwise.


Not that I'm ready now! But I just have a few little things to finish and I should go grocery shopping for baking supplies. I'd like to, at least, bake some of our favorite treats.


We have sunshine now, but we've had clouds and rain and cool temperatures, which I love, so it finally feels a bit like Christmastime.


Don's still hanging on to his job for dear life. His company announced yesterday that the acquisition closed, so they're officially "bought out" by another large corp. They may offer to keep him on board for as much as a year during the transition, or they could drop him on his ass tomorrow. In the meantime, fingers are firmly crossed and his resume is being offered to anyone who will take it.


California is in the depths of a horrendous budget crisis, which means education is in serious danger. Our school district alone (for the first time ever) laid off a number of employees last month, eliminated numerous positions, put a freeze on spending, travel, breathing..... The second round of cuts will come next month. I've always thought of my job as being unquestionably secure. I'm confident they my position is secure, but benefits and wages could be reduced. We'll know more whenever the state can agree on a workable new budget.


In gooder news, I'm feeling better. I went to the doc and we talked about my depressed state of being. He started me on a new little mix of drugs. A couple of weeks ago I noticed the heaviness had lifted and that (dare I even think it?) I actually felt better. What a relief. I truly couldn't imagine that I could climb out of the hole I was in, but I'm getting there. I've got a long way to go, but I do feel more myself again. The times of dread and despair are fewer and the moments of joy are returning and hanging around. Whew!


My daughter is home and my son is jetting off to the UK after Christmas. Don's girl will be staying with us next week. I'm so thankful for winter break and the time it allows me to reflect, refresh and move forward...



AND, if I dont "see" you

Happy Christmas to all!

May your new year be filled with peace, love and laughter.

Pics, just because

My new coat, thanks to mom-in-law's b-day present! :)

Seattle Arboretum, late October

Sail boats.. autumn trees.. blue lake

Canoe for hire..

Louie; from the outside looking in. What a face!

Our first flight on Virgin America. What a trip!

The mountain from above...

on our way home...

O tannenbaum ♫♪

Happiness is....

I received an email today. One of those forwards that talks about happiness. There weren't any nauseating birds or sappy music. It was just a paragraph of all the things we've heard before about happiness.

It comes from within. You can't wait for it. It won't happen when you get a better job, meet Mr. Right, buy a new house...

"No object, person, or circumstance will make you happy. You are happy when you decide to be"

Do you know that I know all that?

I'm perfectly aware that happiness comes from within. We just have to decide to be happy. Happiness will flow out from you.

You are happy when you decide to be.

Ok. OKAY!

I know.

So knowing this, does THAT make me happy?

no.

Do I wanna be happy?

yes.

I can't (yes, I know I just said the word "can't") just simply declare "Tomorrow, I'm going to be happy!" and just BE happy.

I don't feel happy. I can see happiness. I know what happiness feels like.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I'm not.

I've been carrying around this ball of gloom and dread right in the center of my soul.

I guess I need to go to the doc and see if he can adjust(?) my meds.

My friends and family don't want to hear about it anymore. They don't really GET it. Don comes pretty close, but I can't burden them with me anymore. I'm not good for anyone like this.

I need somebody to talk to. (Of course, time and money gets in the way.)

When I think back just a few years... when Don and I first knew one another and when he moved here and we married... Who was that person? She felt joy and ambition. Even when I was in that miserable marriage, I had ambition and could feel joy and happiness amidst and in between all the bullshit.

But now. Who is this person? What's become of me? I am not who I used to be or who I want to be......

I'm broken. :-/

---

In the meantime I'm concerned about my son. He has a chronic illness that has never been diagnosed. It's a mystery and a long story. He had an especially bad week last week, with a trip to the hospital Saturday morning (his first) that left us discouraged and distraught. (fucking Emergency Care really needs to get their shit together. I don't have a nice thing to say about one person who laid hands or eyes on us. But that's for another day.)

After this past week, I've decided (for probably the 12th time) that I'm making it my life's mission to find a doctor to listen to him.

Where to begin?

I've said it before. I know ... same old story. Time and money. No money; never enough time.

---

The feeling of dread and gloom is slightly better after a mild tranquilizer. (hard to believe THIS is tranquil??)

I want wanna pull the covers over my head (freshly washed flannel sheets tonight. ahhhh) and have hubby wrap around me extra tight.

breathe in, breathe out.

I feel just the tiniest of better having written this. That's what I'm here for.

(but if you're out there, i do love my dear readers)

oh. and Happy Birthday to me.

I need a map

I've lost myself.

and

I'm feeling so sad lately...

It seems there has been nothing but bad news going around. Loss of loved ones in unfortunate accidents, a friend who lost her long and courageous battle with lung cancer, and friends faced with losses and heartbreak. There has been so much of this. All unrelated, yet still.....

Here at home, I'm faced with challenges involving finances, insurance bullshit and healthcare that amount to a big load of crap.

This without even mentioning the condition of our nation...the world.

Clearly, I'm depressed. (Yes, I'm on meds. Yes, I've upped them.) On the weekends if I don't have plans (which I haven't lately, mostly because I avoid them because I can't rationalize spending the money and I'm not really up to it because I'm not all that fun to be around anymore...) I find myself in a big fat funk. Don't wanna go out. Don't wanna stay in. [Insert too much explanation here] If I don't have a book that grabs me, I'm left with myself and my thoughts...

bleh

I am fully aware that I should count my blessings. I have the love of my family and we're all in relatively good health. I don't take that for granted, nor do I take for granted each new day. Every day that Don walks through the door and is still employed I'm thankful. (My job is secure. His is not.)

I'm just buried in my world of gloom. I'm not living my life the way I want.

I'm on the outside looking in.

Sometimes I'm on the inside looking out.

They say money doesn't buy happiness....but when you're struggling financially you realize that absence of money (enough money, not mass quantities) does buy misery. It's not just about money, but because of the difficulties it causes, I'm unable to take steps forward because it comes back to..well, money.

shit.

Something I realized.....Until recently, I have never worried about my financial future. When I was (unhappily) married, we (and when I say "we", I mean "he") had money in the bank and retirement plans secured. In what was my entire adult life, I never had to worry about "money" or my financial future. This is all relatively new to me. The realization, even newer.

It's unsettling and downright scary that now, at this point in my life, I have to work so hard only to have not enough money to pay the bills.

Oh, gawd... I could go on and on with the details.
I sound like an ungrateful piece of shit.

this is not all about money. i realize that's what it sounds like. it's not.

I just don't know where to being to find myself again. (Counseling? Can't afford it. Take up a hobby? No time. No ambition. No money. Do something for myself? again..no time..no money.)
I do manage to hang in there pretty well while at work. [Insert too much explanation here]

My relationships with my friends (and I have such dear, wonderful friends) are not what they used to be. I don't offer myself and I am not within reach anymore. My relationships with my kids are nearly unchanged. I imagine this is because we've grown up together and know each other inside-out. Don and I desperately need a jump start to get "us" back on track. We came into each other's lives after growing up..after kids..and just in time for what started a change in my life that we didn't anticipate. Is it the illness? Is it the financial worries? Is it fear?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

What's the point of all this drivel? What does it all mean?

I don't like who I am right now. I'm in fear that I won't find myself before the next bad thing..cancer..happens.

I just want to find a way back........

(next time I'll be more fun.)

( i just wanted to whine.)
( but i'm done now.)

Personality Image

My result for The Perception Personality Image Test...
Hmmm, is this the real me?

NBPC - The Daydreamer

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

how about you?

all i can manage

*sigh*

feeling blue...

and not just for one reason that might seem obvious to some. but for so many. i'm overwhelmed. i'm sad. i'm afraid. i'm depressed? i'm not who i want myself to be.



also, not looking for sympathy.



i'm just saying it.






out.

my girl

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish for you,

is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish for you,

is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish