come a long way...
Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my surgery. It's been almost 15 months since diagnosis, but this anniversary feels like a milestone. Last year at this time the shit was really hitting the fan. I'm so grateful to be where I am now. This is a much better place...
here is a little bit from my journal as i was anticipating my surgery and upcoming treatment:
16 hours.
this is a most sickening feeling - awaiting surgery that will change my life. don reminds me that it will save it. it's amazing how it doesn't feel that way at ALL. i'm fine. a perfectly healthy, self-sufficient, no-pain, functioning person. but come tomorrow, i'll be all kinds of messed up with a missing body part and months and months of crappy treatments to endure...i don't want any of this. i haven't suffered enough? i'm not allowed my happiness now, at long last, after all i've been through??
oh, and the timing. really, now. mom's in her final days and i'm going through this. at what stage in my treatment will that day come? will i be able to go to the funeral?
there is this deep down feeling of dread and fear that washes over me, unexpectedly, now and again. :-( i know i'm supposed to have a positive attitude. everyfuckingbody tells me how important that is. okay. i'm positive this sucks.
get me to the other side...please. swiftly, safely, without any complications. please.
i want to enjoy my kids and live my happily every after with my sweet husband. . .
Well, I DID make it to the other side. Maybe not swiftly, but with few complications. My life isn't all about doctor appts. I've ditched the wig for a good. My life is changed forever, yet feels like my own again.
And every day that passes I feel a little more confident about my happily ever after... :-)
here is a little bit from my journal as i was anticipating my surgery and upcoming treatment:
16 hours.
this is a most sickening feeling - awaiting surgery that will change my life. don reminds me that it will save it. it's amazing how it doesn't feel that way at ALL. i'm fine. a perfectly healthy, self-sufficient, no-pain, functioning person. but come tomorrow, i'll be all kinds of messed up with a missing body part and months and months of crappy treatments to endure...i don't want any of this. i haven't suffered enough? i'm not allowed my happiness now, at long last, after all i've been through??
oh, and the timing. really, now. mom's in her final days and i'm going through this. at what stage in my treatment will that day come? will i be able to go to the funeral?
there is this deep down feeling of dread and fear that washes over me, unexpectedly, now and again. :-( i know i'm supposed to have a positive attitude. everyfuckingbody tells me how important that is. okay. i'm positive this sucks.
get me to the other side...please. swiftly, safely, without any complications. please.
i want to enjoy my kids and live my happily every after with my sweet husband. . .
Well, I DID make it to the other side. Maybe not swiftly, but with few complications. My life isn't all about doctor appts. I've ditched the wig for a good. My life is changed forever, yet feels like my own again.
And every day that passes I feel a little more confident about my happily ever after... :-)
posted by Anonymous G | 2:11 PM
4 Comments:
Isn't it amazing to look back, on this?
If it were me, I'd be thinking "how did I EVER survive this?"
I love it that I journal (blogging has replaced it) because I can look back and *KNOW* how strong I was.
You're a strong woman, G. If you didn't know that before, you surely know that now.
xoxo
Sending prayers and postive thoughts for more of the same.
You're an amazing woman, G.
Here's to loads more of all good things!
*hugs*
*sneaking a hug to RG*
:-)
wow. a year! i agree with the other ladies.. you ARE a strong woman... even when you don't feel like it, you faced it and you kicked it's ass. most surely, you'll be able to live your happily ever after with your sweet husband!
big hugs from the NW
a
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