fun with the camera

sea tac terminal
on the road in montana


mount st. helens from the air

poppies
cake :-p
Moon at the mall
cocktail
these trees posed for me just yesterday...:-)

more of the same

I'm all over the place these days. I've just been so distraught over the choices my girl is making, I can hardly think straight. I am spending all my energies trying to figure out why she's behaving the way she is. I'm trying to figure out why I've made the mistakes I've made, how they affect me today and how they've affected my children.

I'm convinced that I've set the worst example as a parent. The mistakes my kids are making are entirely MY fault. I stayed married to their dad far too long. (I shouldn't have married him in the first place...I knew I was making a mistake, but married him anyway. god...) The kids were witness to a horrible marriage. They were taught all the wrong messages about love and life and relationships. I always thought I was a good, loving mom...but really, I spent most of my marriage trying to defend myself against their dad's actions. In the simplest of terms, they watched their dad treat me like shit, while I defended myself in the hopes they would realize that it was WRONG to be that way. I wanted them to KNOW that what they were seeing WASN'T love. I wanted them to know it shouldn't be like this...

I'm rambling. It isn't at all possible that I could begin to describe that marriage in one post. It would take pages and pages to try to say what I'm feeling. sighh...I don't have it in me, anyway. It's just that I'm seeing her make the same mistakes I did. She's now chosen a boyfriend who is very much like her dad. It's just killing me to watch her in this toxic relationship. In her heart of hearts, she knows... What hurts me most is seeing her make the choice to stay with this boy, when she knows she deserves better.

Don and I have talked and talked and TALKED about my past, his past, the kids, our present and what it all means. I'm thankful to have his insights. I find it very helpful, because he comes from a different perspective. Our discussions about my daughter's relationship with her bf have lead to conversations about our relationships. During one of these discussions, Don mentioned that "we" were still new and still trying to figure out how we fit together. That idea just didn't sit well with me. I had to really think about it for awhile to figure out what it was that bothered me about that... I told him that I don't think of us as new. I think of us and just "us" and that it feels comfortable. I worried that if he felt we're still new, that meant he wasn't comfortable and maybe he'd discover something wrong? He explained that "comfortable" is almost "boring". He thinks that we're always discovering new things about each other and he finds that exciting. He says it's anything but boring and that he plans to try to keep it that way. What an interesting way of looking at it! It felt so good to hear it put that way. We are so very different, but we're enjoying our journey together -- And not for a moment do I take that for granted.

If I could just get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach....

amazing grace

Graduation day has come and gone. It was a lovely ceremony with a bagpipe band and speeches and beach balls. Yes, beach balls. The graduates are stripped of all their worldly goods when they don their caps and gowns. Oh, the horrors! No cell phones. ANYway, every year some students manage to sneak in a beach ball or two to blow up and toss around during the ceremony. A little extra levity and a final prank as they say goodbye to high school and life as they knew it.

Her dad wasn't there, but Don and her brother and I were there to cheer her on. It was a tough day for her and I am so proud of her. She made it. Shining and beautiful! The day was bittersweet and filled with so much heartache.

...sighhh...

Decisions are being made and hearts and feelings are being tugged on and pulled and stretched to the limits. We, as a family, are going through some tough times right now.

I really have no control over my kids and their decisions, yet I continue to try to fix things. I try to make everyone happy. I continue to show my love and offer some wisdom through experience hoping to turn the lights on in their heads. I can't give it up. I know at some point, probably right about now, I have to realize my kids' lives are their own. It's time I realize that it's not up to me anymore to make their decisions, to show them the way. I just can't give it up. I know they need me and my guidance. They DO still come to me for advice, support, love... I am their confidant and advisor.

I can see the mistakes they're making and can see myself and the mistakes I've made. It tears me up inside to see them making these choices. I didn't have the guidance they have. I'm hoping and praying they'll learn and grow and realize what's good and true. All I can do is what I do best. Love them.

Asking myself...

What have I accomplished in my life? What talents do I have? Have I helped others? What have I contributed to society? Have I learned from my mistakes? What would I leave behind if I were to leave today?

If I answer these questions myself the answers would be something like this...

What have I accomplished? sighhh...not much. Can I say that my only real accomplishment has been raising my son & daughter? That's not an accomplishment, is it? More on this later....

Talents? none. zippola... I can't sing, dance or play an instrument. I don't knit, sew or have a green thumb. I'm not a writer or a runner or an artist. bleh

Have I helped others? hmm..not on a grand scale. I suppose I've helped lots of little children in the course of my days at school. Nothing grand...

My contribution to society? *shrug*

Have I learned from my mistakes? YES, but I keep making them. gawd....

What would I leave behind? Not a phucking thing.....

I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. (who is, though?) I'm filled with regrets and am disappointed in myself for many reasons. I know I need to let go of the regrets. I know I should be thankful and grateful for my life and all I have. I am. I don't take life for granted. I am thankful for each new day...It's just that I'm feeling unaccomplished. Regretful. Unfulfilled maybe? As a result, I've become uninspired. I'm just not up for the kinds of hoopla I used to be. I find joy in little moments, yes. But the kinds of things that used to excite and motivate me now don't interest me much, or even worse, they stress me out.

However, I have loved and been loved. That's worth mentioning because it's worth so much in my life.

I need to sort out my fears, disappointments, regrets and desires and then look at them one by one. Maybe then I can begin to DO something about them and stop all this whining!

Here I am..

Is anybody still checking in? I'm torn between pouring my heart out here and posting pictures and writing fluff. I've got lots of pouring to do. I have lots of pictures, but no real fluff. What to do? And how to make the time? There is no obligation to this blog on my part. I gave it life. I can take it away. I have a strong desire to keep it alive, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.
Sooo, explains my absence.

Where have I been and what have I been doing? The Montana trip was lovely. Good times spent with family and lots of time to relax and enjoy the scenery. Random observations include:

• The traffic in Montana? none!
• Casinos! (I had no idea...)
• Everyone (okay, not EVERYone but several people) noticed that Don's ex-wife and I have similar hairstyles. So much so that one of my sis-in-laws thought I was the ex when she first saw me.
• And my stepdaughter said "Your hair looks just like my mom's!" okaaayyyyy...
• Lilacs. everywhere.
• Everything is cheaper than in California.
• Coeur D'Alene is lovely. (It's in Idaho, don'tchaknow) I look forward to visiting there someday.
• I love to travel. If we can find a way, we'll find a way. We love to travel......

It's so different at work now. We've lost our rhythm and it's strained and stressy. I love the community and especially the children, but I don't think I love my job anymore. Maybe now is the time I look for something different... something that actually pays enough to live?

Big sighh... I'm thinking about it.

My girl went to prom a few days ago. She looked beautiful. The event wasn't without drama. The boyfriend situation is not improving. We have had a lot of communcation, my girl and I. I hope she'll realize what's good and true and move on. She graduates next week. omg....

Please, don't go away. I'll be back...........

:-)