more of the same

I'm all over the place these days. I've just been so distraught over the choices my girl is making, I can hardly think straight. I am spending all my energies trying to figure out why she's behaving the way she is. I'm trying to figure out why I've made the mistakes I've made, how they affect me today and how they've affected my children.

I'm convinced that I've set the worst example as a parent. The mistakes my kids are making are entirely MY fault. I stayed married to their dad far too long. (I shouldn't have married him in the first place...I knew I was making a mistake, but married him anyway. god...) The kids were witness to a horrible marriage. They were taught all the wrong messages about love and life and relationships. I always thought I was a good, loving mom...but really, I spent most of my marriage trying to defend myself against their dad's actions. In the simplest of terms, they watched their dad treat me like shit, while I defended myself in the hopes they would realize that it was WRONG to be that way. I wanted them to KNOW that what they were seeing WASN'T love. I wanted them to know it shouldn't be like this...

I'm rambling. It isn't at all possible that I could begin to describe that marriage in one post. It would take pages and pages to try to say what I'm feeling. sighh...I don't have it in me, anyway. It's just that I'm seeing her make the same mistakes I did. She's now chosen a boyfriend who is very much like her dad. It's just killing me to watch her in this toxic relationship. In her heart of hearts, she knows... What hurts me most is seeing her make the choice to stay with this boy, when she knows she deserves better.

Don and I have talked and talked and TALKED about my past, his past, the kids, our present and what it all means. I'm thankful to have his insights. I find it very helpful, because he comes from a different perspective. Our discussions about my daughter's relationship with her bf have lead to conversations about our relationships. During one of these discussions, Don mentioned that "we" were still new and still trying to figure out how we fit together. That idea just didn't sit well with me. I had to really think about it for awhile to figure out what it was that bothered me about that... I told him that I don't think of us as new. I think of us and just "us" and that it feels comfortable. I worried that if he felt we're still new, that meant he wasn't comfortable and maybe he'd discover something wrong? He explained that "comfortable" is almost "boring". He thinks that we're always discovering new things about each other and he finds that exciting. He says it's anything but boring and that he plans to try to keep it that way. What an interesting way of looking at it! It felt so good to hear it put that way. We are so very different, but we're enjoying our journey together -- And not for a moment do I take that for granted.

If I could just get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach....