thoughts on mortality

I was moved by something I read recently. It was written by a friend. (not mentioning any names, but she lives in a little yellow house on a corner and has an obsession with a certain fall holiday.) She wrote about mortality. Hers. Her husband's. How they effect one another. I find her attitude inspiring. She's got such a realistic view, without dwelling on the negative. I really ought to read and re-read her message. Often and each day, so that perhaps I might absorb some of that optimism into my soul...

Hubby and I were talking the other evening. We were reminiscing about something-or-other from the recent past. I recall those days from a new perspective. It seems I've set up a divider. Before the big C and after. I think about the woman before and she's not me. Okay...she's me, but not the me I am now. I know we all change...we grow as days go by. But something profound has changed within me. I know it. I feel it. It's there. Don says he doesn't see the change. I appear to him the same as before. He asked me how I feel different...? Since he can't see a change, can I tell him what's different..?

*shrug*

He asked if it was fear...? NO!

hmmm...no?

I thought for a long moment and the realization came hard and hit me in the brain. YES! Fear. That's it! sighhh... It's with me always and fear is what's changed me. It's not as though I go through my days waiting for a bomb to drop. It's more of a deep in the gut, simmering fear.

Then he asked what do I fear...? (jeeeez!) Easy. I fear leaving too soon.

I know..I know... we go when it's our time to go, but.... well. My friend Gretchen left too soon. Still young with so many who loved her and needed her guidance. How could it possibly have been her time?? I don't want to leave too soon...like she did. My hubby tells me anytime before I'm 100 is too soon.

Don wonders why I didn't get the memo for people who have had experiences like mine where they come out of it with a whole new understanding and appreciation of life. lol...we had a giggle about it. I have that appreciation of life. I am thankful for each new day. I no longer have that careless feeling of naivete.. that I'll be around for a very long time. Of course, none of us knows when our time will come. I could very well be around for that very long time. (well looky here. even as i type it, i'm shaking my head.)

My friend also talked about meeting the love of her life later in life. Yeah. Her words were so perfect. In my own words...it's not about puppies and baby strollers and all those firsts you have together when you're 20something and starting your life with someone. We're moving into fogeydome. We have our firsts, but they are quite different. We're thankful we found each other and plan to try to make the most of all of our moments.

And... this time in her words, "We know we're mortal and we're both grateful that we GET to grow old together--however that long is."

amen.