What's normal anyway?

My test results came back negative. That would be normal. (Normal, according to THEM, of course!) Thanks for asking...feels good to know you're thinking of me and sending your positive vibes! :-)

I've had lots I've wanted to write about but I haven't had a moments time to sit down to type. I suppose if I gave up sleeping (like some of you have...lol) I could make the time to write. It's not that I enjoy sleeping so much, but the time in bed with my hubby. It's really the best part of my day. I'm having a little issue with stress. When I say little, I mean huge. At night, with the window cracked with the little bit of light easing the darkness and the quiet and the sheets and just us, I can let go of some of the stress and just be.

Life is the strangest thing. We take it and make it our own and each of us does this so differently. We are largely a product of how we grew up and our life experiences along the way. Even if we don't want to be, we can't help but behave the way we were taught when we were young. We grow. Learn. Make mistakes. It takes us the rest of our adult lives to figure out how to improve what we lack and sometimes to simply discover what's good.

I'm constantly analyzing and agonizing over the way I am now and why I'm the way I am now and how I can improve upon the way I am now. In most ways, it's just plain obvious to me what I'm doing wrong. Changing those things? Another story.... I'm skeptical. While I am looking forward to counseling (if I can get my insurance figured out and find somebody I feel comfortable with), I realize that what I'm expecting isn't healing. I look forward to having somebody I can vent to, an ear for my rants, without feeling guilty or intrusive. I'll be paying somebody trained to listen and for that, I'll be thankful. I'm not expecting therapy to actually HELP me, though. wierd. I was talking about this recently with a friend of mine and her cousin who happens to be a therapist. (on the other side of the country) I hadn't actually realized it until I said it outloud. I'm just so used to feeling the way I do, behaving the way I do, just being who I AM that I can't begin to imagine being...better. Healthier. Happier.

Most of the situations that cause stress and feelings of depression are out of my control. I can't change them. What I CAN do, of course, is learn to deal with it all. I CAN change the way I carry on. I don't know where or how to begin.

Have you had your mammo lately??

I rather like October. It's fall. The air feels different. Leaves are changing. Ok, well, as much as they can in this area of the world. I always say that we don't really have seasons here...just summer and something colder than summer. But it does feel like fall and I like that. It's a nostalgic time of year. The older I get, the more I can feel the seasons in the pit of my soul. yeah.

But it's October and it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Every grocery store and department store and probably just about every company in America has some sort of offer to support the cause. Offers from m & m's and Estee Lauder and Coach and Brighton, just to name a few. It's become a giant commercial circus, but it's okay with me. Every dollar that's raised for cancer research and the awareness that sends women to the big boob-squishing machine is worth the sometimes tacky commercialism of October.

Cancer, mine especially, has been on my mind a lot lately. Not exactly sure why. (could it be that there are pink ribbons in my face everywhere I go? or because I have tests this week?) Whatever it is, I'm generally more optimistic than last year and I'll just take it a day at a time.

I didn't want this post to be all about pink ribbons and BC; I haven't written in such a long while. I've certainly got lots more to say. But, I'll close. again. Perhaps I'll feel inspired another day.

Hugs to all my friends out there....