What's normal anyway?
My test results came back negative. That would be normal. (Normal, according to THEM, of course!) Thanks for asking...feels good to know you're thinking of me and sending your positive vibes! :-)
I've had lots I've wanted to write about but I haven't had a moments time to sit down to type. I suppose if I gave up sleeping (like some of you have...lol) I could make the time to write. It's not that I enjoy sleeping so much, but the time in bed with my hubby. It's really the best part of my day. I'm having a little issue with stress. When I say little, I mean huge. At night, with the window cracked with the little bit of light easing the darkness and the quiet and the sheets and just us, I can let go of some of the stress and just be.
Life is the strangest thing. We take it and make it our own and each of us does this so differently. We are largely a product of how we grew up and our life experiences along the way. Even if we don't want to be, we can't help but behave the way we were taught when we were young. We grow. Learn. Make mistakes. It takes us the rest of our adult lives to figure out how to improve what we lack and sometimes to simply discover what's good.
I'm constantly analyzing and agonizing over the way I am now and why I'm the way I am now and how I can improve upon the way I am now. In most ways, it's just plain obvious to me what I'm doing wrong. Changing those things? Another story.... I'm skeptical. While I am looking forward to counseling (if I can get my insurance figured out and find somebody I feel comfortable with), I realize that what I'm expecting isn't healing. I look forward to having somebody I can vent to, an ear for my rants, without feeling guilty or intrusive. I'll be paying somebody trained to listen and for that, I'll be thankful. I'm not expecting therapy to actually HELP me, though. wierd. I was talking about this recently with a friend of mine and her cousin who happens to be a therapist. (on the other side of the country) I hadn't actually realized it until I said it outloud. I'm just so used to feeling the way I do, behaving the way I do, just being who I AM that I can't begin to imagine being...better. Healthier. Happier.
Most of the situations that cause stress and feelings of depression are out of my control. I can't change them. What I CAN do, of course, is learn to deal with it all. I CAN change the way I carry on. I don't know where or how to begin.
I've had lots I've wanted to write about but I haven't had a moments time to sit down to type. I suppose if I gave up sleeping (like some of you have...lol) I could make the time to write. It's not that I enjoy sleeping so much, but the time in bed with my hubby. It's really the best part of my day. I'm having a little issue with stress. When I say little, I mean huge. At night, with the window cracked with the little bit of light easing the darkness and the quiet and the sheets and just us, I can let go of some of the stress and just be.
Life is the strangest thing. We take it and make it our own and each of us does this so differently. We are largely a product of how we grew up and our life experiences along the way. Even if we don't want to be, we can't help but behave the way we were taught when we were young. We grow. Learn. Make mistakes. It takes us the rest of our adult lives to figure out how to improve what we lack and sometimes to simply discover what's good.
I'm constantly analyzing and agonizing over the way I am now and why I'm the way I am now and how I can improve upon the way I am now. In most ways, it's just plain obvious to me what I'm doing wrong. Changing those things? Another story.... I'm skeptical. While I am looking forward to counseling (if I can get my insurance figured out and find somebody I feel comfortable with), I realize that what I'm expecting isn't healing. I look forward to having somebody I can vent to, an ear for my rants, without feeling guilty or intrusive. I'll be paying somebody trained to listen and for that, I'll be thankful. I'm not expecting therapy to actually HELP me, though. wierd. I was talking about this recently with a friend of mine and her cousin who happens to be a therapist. (on the other side of the country) I hadn't actually realized it until I said it outloud. I'm just so used to feeling the way I do, behaving the way I do, just being who I AM that I can't begin to imagine being...better. Healthier. Happier.
Most of the situations that cause stress and feelings of depression are out of my control. I can't change them. What I CAN do, of course, is learn to deal with it all. I CAN change the way I carry on. I don't know where or how to begin.
posted by Anonymous G | 7:50 PM
4 Comments:
Wow! I could have written the last bit of what you wrote. Wanna know something funny? I feel the same way about the counselling I've started...I'm not sure that it's going to change anything for me. I'm just grateful someone with no ulterior motives in my life is willing to listen and just let me get everything out, without having to censor myself.
I think I said on my blog a couple of weeks ago that now that I'm starting to feel better in my body, I'm not sure how to tell my mind that I am better and be healthier and happier.
Just so amazing how you wrote what I haven't really found a way to say.
Soooo glad about the test results. You *are* normal, ya know, test results, or not. And you're awesome!
xx
Oh ((((((((((((((G))))))))))))), I'm SO glad your tests results are OK. ::relieved as hell, actually!::
I know exactly why I am the way I am, and no amount of therapy is going to change that, unfortunately.
Therapy, for me, has allowed me to accept my 'issues' and to understand where they're coming from. It has made a huge difference to me to have these things pointed out.
My last 'touch up' as I like to call them(was it last year?), I was trying to get rid of the almost debilating anxiety I was having at the time. It kept feeding on itself and it continually got worse until I finally gave up and went to counseling.
I found out that the thing that originally started the anxiety was to be expected from someone with my past and I was making MYSELF anxious by trying to force it away- rather that accept it for what it was.
It's amazing the difference that made. In an effort to *try* to be perfect, I made myself worse.
Pretty huge insight, if you ask me.
PS- an extra (((((((((((((g)))))))))) just because I know how relieved you must be.
The other girls have really said it all. First, I'm soooo happy your results came back negative and I hope you get a bit of peace from it. I think it's tremendous.
As for counseling or therapy, I'll throw my 2 cents in. I didn't ever think it was going to help me. It seemed like I went a long time without help. In the darkest moments, it was a blessing to have someone to talk to besides dragging down my friends. It was much needed catharsis although I didn't do much at those sessions but cry. It was when I didn't think I needed the therapy, the good days so to speak, that I really learned the most and when the true lessons sunk in. It's weird isn't it? Eventually you'll figure out what it's doing for you, even if you can't see it when you start... And as E said, sometimes it's just nice to say things without having to censor yourself!
((((((((((((((((((((G))))))))))))))
((((((((G))))))))))
love you lots lady,
anne
xoxo
Well, dangit--they stole all the good stuff!!
Guess that just leaves me the (((((((G))))))))
and *happy dancing* for the results being 'normal'. :-)
*looking around for witnesses*
Psssssstttt.....
Didn't anyone ever tell you that 'therapist' is Latin for 'puke bucket'? ;-)
((((((((((((((G))))))))))))))))))
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