the high road

"A child is connected to a parent on a cellular level, carrying a piece of each parent with them 24/7. If you say something bad about my parent, you're also saying something bad about me."
"If there is one piece of advice I'd give to divorced/divorcing parents- keep your feelings about your ex-spouse out of the conversations with your children- no matter how old they are."


When I read this entry in Lori's blog it stirred up all kinds of feelings of guilt. (Like I don't have enough of that already, when it comes to my kids and my marriage to their dad??)

I don't really know where to begin. The beginning? Better not..it would be a novel. Besides, I don't have it in me.

My ex-husband is a complicated man. (On the positive side, he is smart, artistic and articulate and has a great sense of humor.) He is, I think, manic depressive and has narcissistic tendencies. He doesn't know this. He thinks he's fine. He thinks he works harder than anybody on the planet, has more responsibilities than anybody on the planet and he pretty much thinks he is always right. He seems to have an aversion for other people's joy. He can make people feel very uncomfortable around him; he can set the mood in the room. What he does best, though, is insult. He can make people, especially those he "loves", feel like a disappointment or a failure and inferior. I noticed this first when we were dating. I was dismayed when I saw the way he sometimes talked to his mom. It was shocking. Years later, I realized I'd become accustomed to his ways. Not accepting, just accustomed. We argued continuously, because I didn't want him to think he could go around treating his loved ones that way...I ESPECIALLY did NOT want my children to think that HIS was an example of how people who love one another treat each other. It was exhausting......it was my life.

Fast-forward to the days following the divorce. (I'm not going to get into the fact that I'm consumed with regret because I took so long to finally get TO it and file for divorce. If only I'd done it sooner. Maybe my kids and I would be less fucked up??) The kids said they didn't want us to divorce and couldn't understand WHY we were divorcing. Their dad made sure to tell them that HE didn't want the divorce..it was their mother who was the one who wanted it. (Like he was the innocent party? come ON) When I talked to the kids, I explained I never wanted to divorce. I wanted to stay married to their dad and that was why I tried for so long to make it work. I told them that it wasn't just me. The kids could see (they readily admitted it) that their dad and I weren't happy together and that, simply, we fought all the time. I told them that BOTH of us needed to divorce. Their dad just wasn't willing to admit his part in it.

So, it began..I suppose. I truly always believed that divorcing and divorced parents should keep the kids OUT of the ugly stuff and not share their negative feelings about their exes with the children. Of course, their father had no problem putting me down, insulting me, belittling me, contradicting me and showing a complete lack of support of who I was, during our entire marriage. (Ironically, he doesn't often speak about me when I'm not around. Interesting) Yet, I was supposed to and really had every intention of taking the high road and speaking about their dad only when I had something kind to say. This is an almost impossible task. He continues to treat his children in a way that makes me sick to my stomach. I was able to divorce him. The kids can't. How can I stay quiet when I see how he hurts them?

My daughter has chosen, for now, her own separation. She doesn't live with him anymore. They speak on the phone when she calls him. They see each other rarely - and briefly when they do. (He didn't attend her High School Graduation! - just a small example, yet he blames HER for their estrangement.) Just as I did, she simply came to a point where she didn't want to take his crap anymore.

My son? Well, he puts up with it. He feels sorry for his dad. He feels an obligation to him. He thinks his dad's actions are forgivable. He doesn't spend a lot of time with his dad, but they still have a relationship. We (my son and I) have had several conversations on the subject. These conversations are intelligent but sometimes emotional and have sometimes gotten out of control.

So much is left unsaid here. I love my children with all my being. More than anything, I want them to be happy. I want them to lead happy, productive, healthy lives. They're not exactly headed in that direction today. They are really terrific people. I hope they find their way....

The years we spent raising our kids together are over. My children are now adults. The influence their dad and I have on them is ongoing. I blame myself for the damage that was done because I stayed too long. I should have left him and taken the children when they were young. I knew things would never get better. Of course they only became a whole lot worse. It's just so sad...

Sighh...
I started writing this 6 days ago...It's just become a pointless ramble. I've written in bits and pieces and it doesn't really say what I meant to say at all.

But here it is....