funky buffet

Funky, but cute. The items on top are temporary. I found the perfect wine rack at Pottery Barn that mounts on the wall. I hope to pick that up this weekend.
----Yes, Mel. That IS a pull out table. Love it! Also, below the pulls are 2 drawers that pull open. Maybe it looks like 8 drawers, but below those 2 drawers, are doors that open. cool!

quickly...

Just a quick note to say that I have nothing new to report about my latest adventure in medical history.

I was planning to write about health insurance and how it dictates our health care... I saw my oncologist today. It may be the last time I can see him because of my fucking insurance trouble. :-(

But I have a headache and I'm heading to bed.

Thanks for all your kind words and support...My appointment with the specialist is 1 week from today.

goodnight.

eta: I'll try to take a photo of my new buffet thingy for mel. ;-)

maybe tonight?

Do I want to write this?

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in...

I read RG's posts about being Pollyanna and what she's achieved in her life due to her positive outlook and hard work and tenacity... Her reader Annie replied with her own story of happiness. I am unable to share the same sentiments.

I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the time when I can finally be happy. NOT gonna happen! I KNOW this is a big mistake. I am completely aware that the time is NOW to live. I could waste my life away, waiting. I KNOW what it takes to live the life and be happy. I KNOW that I am only getting in the way of myself. I also know what's inside of me...I am filled with love and wit and compassion and sarcasm and hope.

The people I know who have achieved this state of contentment and happiness that is so illusive for me, mostly have not had an ideal life. They've achieved this through their hard work and positive attitude. Yet, here I am, looking at 50 and I am unable to go on about how lucky I am. How I love my job. Or my garden. Or my hobbies. b.l.a.h.

We all have our own pains and trials and challenges in our lives. Mine are not insurmountable. I just can't get past myself!

SO many years of regret...

My first marriage had a profound effect on my soul. The environment was so negative. combative. I felt alone, unloved, disrespected. These were the prime years of my adulthood! Years that were mostly miserable. The result of that marriage is my son and daughter who fill my life. Of course, the result of that marriage is also a lot of heartache. My kids and I are fucked up in ways that nobody could understand but us. I am reminded of my mistakes every day when I see how they've affected others.

I am now married to a man who loves me in a way I only dreamed I could be loved. He allows me to just be. In every way, I can love him freely and feel loved without doubt. Our marriage, our love is the one thing I can count on with ease.

This is not enough, however.

*sigh*

It's all inside me. I know it's there. I just can't make it happen. I am getting in the way of my life.

Not sure how to close this .... One foot in front of the other, I carry on.

(addendum: I still find joy in the beauty around me and am thankful for each new day. I don't walk around grumbling with my head drooping down to my feet. I smile. I laugh. Just so you know and just so I remember...)

It's fall...that's all

Well, my friends, here is the latest...

I had some sort of pulmonary CT scan on Monday. It's in there, alright. At this point, the radiologists and my PCP (Primary Care Physician) are guessing that it's the guide-wire that was used when my port-a-cath was inserted in March of '05. It must have broken free during insertion. It looks pretty clean, but it's now taken on a V shape and is lodged in my pulmonary artery.

great.

A big No-No when you have metal in your body is MRI. Well, I had an MRI last year! Who knows what could have happened?! It's probably what moved the wire and caused it to bend. (Another theory, but a good one I think!)

I have an appointment with a specialist (a cardiothoracic surgeon) on October 3rd. *scary*
I have LOTS of questions and I'm sure I'll get them answered at this consultation.
gah!


I'm doing okay, as long as I don't think too much about it. I really don't know enough yet, but I do know that if surgery is necessary it's going to be a big set back. Time away from work, another recovery to worry about. What if something happens to me? Not so much for myself, but I worry so much for my family...


Long as I don't think about it, I'm okay.

. . . . . . . . .


Yesterday was spent keeping busy rearranging and throwing away stuff. We bought a new funky little buffet cabinet. It looks cute over there, don't you think?------>


Friday and Saturday it rained! :-) Friday night we had thunder and lightening. It was great! The rain is gone now, but it made today the most beautiful day. Today was one of those days where you could see forever. The hills were as clear as can be. You could practically see an ant's ass. (if they have asses, anyway)-- Don and I went for a drive. We drove through hills and valleys, past orange groves and vegetable farms. The sky was blue and seemed so BIG. Nice.

We found ourselves a wine bar for a lovely light repast. We had a cheese platter (with Irish cheese that had been soaked in Guinness! Delish!) and 2 flights of wine. It was great. In my fantasy world, I wish that Don and I could quit our jobs (we're both in a less than perfect situation right now) and open a little cozy tasting room right here in town. We need something like that here. We fantasized about that together, as we sipped and nibbled. . .

I brought my camera along, but didn't take one picture.
I'll post these and we'll pretend I took them today!

Not what I expected...

Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, and a school holiday. I was able to schedule my appointment on the day off so I wouldn't have to a) take time off from work, and 2) explain myself to everyone.

So I got up early, took a xanax and went for a ride in the big white claustrophobia machine. It wasn't too bad. Last time I had a Pet scan, a different machine was used and it was far more claustrophobic for a claustrophobe like me. This baby was state of the art. Pet/CT scanner - great diagnostics and pretty darn comfortable.

I just wanted the test to be clear. I'm almost 3 years out and it would be good to know that I really am so-far-so-good. Turns out, my scans were clear.

almost.

It seems they found something. Something in my chest. Something that doesn't belong there. A very thin, very well hidden, 10 cm long piece of metal. I was called this morning at work and told to leave right away to go back for a couple of chest x-rays. They would be waiting for me at the radiology center and then the radiologist would compare the x-rays to the pet scan and discuss his findings with my doctor. I waited all day for the phone to ring...........

It seems this thin wire is in my pulmonary artery.

(!)

The doctors are a little puzzled as to how it could be where it is. I had a port-a-cath put in and taken out during the year of my adventure ('05). Apparently something was left behind upon removal. I'll be having an angiogram this week to better determine its position and condition in my body.

It's pretty certain that I'll have to have it surgically removed. Apparently, it's a delicate surgery. It would take place at a huge hospital far from my familiar surroundings.

(Chrissakes...in my pulmonary artery??)

While I'm relieved that no cancer was found, this isn't small potatoes either. I'm just trying to breathe and wait to see what happens next.

Don's working late tonight and probably most of the weekend. Tonight I met up with a friend. We sat out on the patio and she had ice cream and I had a glass of wine. I'll keep myself busy this weekend, I suppose, because I don't want to think. I don't like worrying and that's what I do with too much free time. Luckily, I have laundry to do! And bathrooms to clean! And a book or two to read.

That's where I'm headed now. To bed with a book while I wait for my sweetie to come home.

goodnight.

~~~~~~
holy shit. don just called. he'd called a few minutes ago to tell me he was heading home. now, he's on the freeway and just witnessed a spectacular accident. the emergency vehicles aren't even there yet. we got cut off when he apparently started talking to one of the victims.

come to think of it, my day started by nearly getting hit on my way in to work this morning.

what a day!

i just want my hubby home safe now.

I'm writing this so you can stop worrying that I may have been abducted by aliens and used as a test earthling making it impossible for me to post...

Not to worry. No abduction.

A few reasons I haven't written recently and don't write often....

It's difficult for me to gather thoughts to write when I'm juggling conversations with the kids and the hubby and the cat. My computer sits right in the mucking fiddle of the living area where everybody lives. TVs, guitars, meals. Who can think??

Mostly, I tend to write negative posts. I piss and moan and whine about the way things are. I'd be sick and tired of me if I wasn't me. Well, now that I mention it, I AM sick and tired of me.

See? There I go again...........

see yas.

-----oh. i tried to take a picture of my haircut. it's amusing. i showed the hairstylist the picture of the hairstyle i wanted. well, she cut my hair in what she told me was the style in the picture. um, no. it looks pretty much the same as always. my hair has a mind of its own.

i think this picture is freaky, that's why i'm posting it.

oh! and one more thing. today is my son's birthday. we had a wonderful breakfast together and he absolutely LOVED his present. (the acoustic guitar he's been drooling over since forever)

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy. Mommie loves you so much!