Do I want to write this?
I feel like I'm on the outside looking in...
I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the time when I can finally be happy. NOT gonna happen! I KNOW this is a big mistake. I am completely aware that the time is NOW to live. I could waste my life away, waiting. I KNOW what it takes to live the life and be happy. I KNOW that I am only getting in the way of myself. I also know what's inside of me...I am filled with love and wit and compassion and sarcasm and hope.
SO many years of regret...
My first marriage had a profound effect on my soul. The environment was so negative. combative. I felt alone, unloved, disrespected. These were the prime years of my adulthood! Years that were mostly miserable. The result of that marriage is my son and daughter who fill my life. Of course, the result of that marriage is also a lot of heartache. My kids and I are fucked up in ways that nobody could understand but us. I am reminded of my mistakes every day when I see how they've affected others.
I am now married to a man who loves me in a way I only dreamed I could be loved. He allows me to just be. In every way, I can love him freely and feel loved without doubt. Our marriage, our love is the one thing I can count on with ease.
This is not enough, however.
*sigh*
It's all inside me. I know it's there. I just can't make it happen. I am getting in the way of my life.
Not sure how to close this .... One foot in front of the other, I carry on.
(addendum: I still find joy in the beauty around me and am thankful for each new day. I don't walk around grumbling with my head drooping down to my feet. I smile. I laugh. Just so you know and just so I remember...)
I read RG's posts about being Pollyanna and what she's achieved in her life due to her positive outlook and hard work and tenacity... Her reader Annie replied with her own story of happiness. I am unable to share the same sentiments.
I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the time when I can finally be happy. NOT gonna happen! I KNOW this is a big mistake. I am completely aware that the time is NOW to live. I could waste my life away, waiting. I KNOW what it takes to live the life and be happy. I KNOW that I am only getting in the way of myself. I also know what's inside of me...I am filled with love and wit and compassion and sarcasm and hope.
The people I know who have achieved this state of contentment and happiness that is so illusive for me, mostly have not had an ideal life. They've achieved this through their hard work and positive attitude. Yet, here I am, looking at 50 and I am unable to go on about how lucky I am. How I love my job. Or my garden. Or my hobbies. b.l.a.h.
We all have our own pains and trials and challenges in our lives. Mine are not insurmountable. I just can't get past myself!
SO many years of regret...
My first marriage had a profound effect on my soul. The environment was so negative. combative. I felt alone, unloved, disrespected. These were the prime years of my adulthood! Years that were mostly miserable. The result of that marriage is my son and daughter who fill my life. Of course, the result of that marriage is also a lot of heartache. My kids and I are fucked up in ways that nobody could understand but us. I am reminded of my mistakes every day when I see how they've affected others.
I am now married to a man who loves me in a way I only dreamed I could be loved. He allows me to just be. In every way, I can love him freely and feel loved without doubt. Our marriage, our love is the one thing I can count on with ease.
This is not enough, however.
*sigh*
It's all inside me. I know it's there. I just can't make it happen. I am getting in the way of my life.
Not sure how to close this .... One foot in front of the other, I carry on.
(addendum: I still find joy in the beauty around me and am thankful for each new day. I don't walk around grumbling with my head drooping down to my feet. I smile. I laugh. Just so you know and just so I remember...)
posted by Anonymous G | 8:34 PM
3 Comments:
I'm sure you know that I'm not ALWAYS happy, but thanks to good drugs it certainly helps.
I have a dark side, for sure, and you are one of the few that know about it. Even my sister and husband aren't privy to this information.
I know that it's time for the happy drugs when I can't force myself to be happy or even pretend to be happy anymore. This happens a lot.
Between me and you (and the rest of the peeps that read your blog), BER doesn't understand the unhappy me and doesn't have much time for it so I pretend sometimes. Sometimes just the act of pretending kind of turns my attitude around, sometimes it doesn't.
Sweet G, you've been through a helluva lot. My 'stuff' happened so many years ago and I think that's why I'm able to be happy now. None of it is recent. You have recent stuff and I think you're doing a fabulous job of climbing that hill, if you don't mind my opinion.
Sometimes I write posts like that to REMIND myself of the things I should be happy about. I need to do that for my own well being. I worry that it does come across as me having the 'perfect' life.
My marriage was the first stepping stone to that perfect life, truthfully. I'm building it from there.
I admire the heck out of you girlfriend, and I completely understand every bit of this post. I've been there, and know I'll revisit that place again. I always do.
Ugh, I just wrote this whole thing and then felt stupid about posting it, so I'll just say that I completely love everything RG said, and love ya whether you're feeling happy today or not.
Ya know, you're right. I've waded through a lot of muck and mire to be where my feet are today.
And I'm happy. Well and truly HAPPY.
I choose happy, every day.
And son of a gun, it finds me.
That's not to say that I don't have my moments. You know that. But they genuinely are moments.
I wouldn't have what I have today, had I not done the 'work' to get here, G. It wasn't 'fun' work. And I still get to do what needs done so I can KEEP myself where I sooooo want to remain. It's not a one shot deal. There wasn't a 'do this' and happiness is yours forever deal waiting for me, darnitall. OH how I wished it coulda worked that way for me.
Nope.
It's a daily deal...and I make sure I'm holding on to the stuff that's necessary to hold on to and letting go of those things that I need to NOT hang on to.
Sometimes I get that a bit backwards.....I hang on to the things I need to let go of and let go of the things I need to hang on to. Go figure....it's then that those 'moments' threaten my serenity and my happiness, my peace in life and my peace with me.
Uh uh.
PASS.
I won't compromise that, today. And when I start to, I snap to it pretty darn quick.
It's been a long journey to 'here'. I know how to have what I had.
Frankly.....I don't want it.
No part of me wants that for me, today.
I wish I could bottle what the solution has been for me.
I'd hand it over to you in a heartbeat.
I can't say loud enough that it's ALL been backasswards to how I thought it was suppose to be.
But you're right.....I had to get out of my own way.
I'd go to wager that you're closer to doing that. Recognizing it wasn't something out there and it was all in ME was where it started. Leastwise it's where it started for me.
((((((((( G )))))))))))))
And yep....sometimes when I hit a 'moment' I get to 'act as if' to get up and do what's required to MOVE me.
I'm stubborn like that.
I can KNOW what's good for me and still not shush up and do it.
Aren't I just the silliest person on the planet?!
(((((((((( G )))))))))))))))))
Love ya bunches and lotsa and oodles.
And there ain't nuffin' you can do about it..so pffffftttttt!
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