I need a map

I've lost myself.

and

I'm feeling so sad lately...

It seems there has been nothing but bad news going around. Loss of loved ones in unfortunate accidents, a friend who lost her long and courageous battle with lung cancer, and friends faced with losses and heartbreak. There has been so much of this. All unrelated, yet still.....

Here at home, I'm faced with challenges involving finances, insurance bullshit and healthcare that amount to a big load of crap.

This without even mentioning the condition of our nation...the world.

Clearly, I'm depressed. (Yes, I'm on meds. Yes, I've upped them.) On the weekends if I don't have plans (which I haven't lately, mostly because I avoid them because I can't rationalize spending the money and I'm not really up to it because I'm not all that fun to be around anymore...) I find myself in a big fat funk. Don't wanna go out. Don't wanna stay in. [Insert too much explanation here] If I don't have a book that grabs me, I'm left with myself and my thoughts...

bleh

I am fully aware that I should count my blessings. I have the love of my family and we're all in relatively good health. I don't take that for granted, nor do I take for granted each new day. Every day that Don walks through the door and is still employed I'm thankful. (My job is secure. His is not.)

I'm just buried in my world of gloom. I'm not living my life the way I want.

I'm on the outside looking in.

Sometimes I'm on the inside looking out.

They say money doesn't buy happiness....but when you're struggling financially you realize that absence of money (enough money, not mass quantities) does buy misery. It's not just about money, but because of the difficulties it causes, I'm unable to take steps forward because it comes back to..well, money.

shit.

Something I realized.....Until recently, I have never worried about my financial future. When I was (unhappily) married, we (and when I say "we", I mean "he") had money in the bank and retirement plans secured. In what was my entire adult life, I never had to worry about "money" or my financial future. This is all relatively new to me. The realization, even newer.

It's unsettling and downright scary that now, at this point in my life, I have to work so hard only to have not enough money to pay the bills.

Oh, gawd... I could go on and on with the details.
I sound like an ungrateful piece of shit.

this is not all about money. i realize that's what it sounds like. it's not.

I just don't know where to being to find myself again. (Counseling? Can't afford it. Take up a hobby? No time. No ambition. No money. Do something for myself? again..no time..no money.)
I do manage to hang in there pretty well while at work. [Insert too much explanation here]

My relationships with my friends (and I have such dear, wonderful friends) are not what they used to be. I don't offer myself and I am not within reach anymore. My relationships with my kids are nearly unchanged. I imagine this is because we've grown up together and know each other inside-out. Don and I desperately need a jump start to get "us" back on track. We came into each other's lives after growing up..after kids..and just in time for what started a change in my life that we didn't anticipate. Is it the illness? Is it the financial worries? Is it fear?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

What's the point of all this drivel? What does it all mean?

I don't like who I am right now. I'm in fear that I won't find myself before the next bad thing..cancer..happens.

I just want to find a way back........

(next time I'll be more fun.)

( i just wanted to whine.)
( but i'm done now.)