Happiness is....
I received an email today. One of those forwards that talks about happiness. There weren't any nauseating birds or sappy music. It was just a paragraph of all the things we've heard before about happiness.
It comes from within. You can't wait for it. It won't happen when you get a better job, meet Mr. Right, buy a new house...
"No object, person, or circumstance will make you happy. You are happy when you decide to be"
Do you know that I know all that?
I'm perfectly aware that happiness comes from within. We just have to decide to be happy. Happiness will flow out from you.
You are happy when you decide to be.
Ok. OKAY!
I know.
So knowing this, does THAT make me happy?
no.
Do I wanna be happy?
yes.
I can't (yes, I know I just said the word "can't") just simply declare "Tomorrow, I'm going to be happy!" and just BE happy.
I don't feel happy. I can see happiness. I know what happiness feels like.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY.
I'm not.
I've been carrying around this ball of gloom and dread right in the center of my soul.
I guess I need to go to the doc and see if he can adjust(?) my meds.
My friends and family don't want to hear about it anymore. They don't really GET it. Don comes pretty close, but I can't burden them with me anymore. I'm not good for anyone like this.
I need somebody to talk to. (Of course, time and money gets in the way.)
When I think back just a few years... when Don and I first knew one another and when he moved here and we married... Who was that person? She felt joy and ambition. Even when I was in that miserable marriage, I had ambition and could feel joy and happiness amidst and in between all the bullshit.
But now. Who is this person? What's become of me? I am not who I used to be or who I want to be......
I'm broken. :-/
---
In the meantime I'm concerned about my son. He has a chronic illness that has never been diagnosed. It's a mystery and a long story. He had an especially bad week last week, with a trip to the hospital Saturday morning (his first) that left us discouraged and distraught. (fucking Emergency Care really needs to get their shit together. I don't have a nice thing to say about one person who laid hands or eyes on us. But that's for another day.)
After this past week, I've decided (for probably the 12th time) that I'm making it my life's mission to find a doctor to listen to him.
Where to begin?
I've said it before. I know ... same old story. Time and money. No money; never enough time.
---
The feeling of dread and gloom is slightly better after a mild tranquilizer. (hard to believe THIS is tranquil??)
I want wanna pull the covers over my head (freshly washed flannel sheets tonight. ahhhh) and have hubby wrap around me extra tight.
breathe in, breathe out.
I feel just the tiniest of better having written this. That's what I'm here for.
(but if you're out there, i do love my dear readers)
oh. and Happy Birthday to me.
posted by Anonymous G | 12:00 AM
4 Comments:
(((((((((((G)))))))))))
I know what it's like to be stuck in that place and it's so damned frustrating. Especially when you feel that you've worn friends and family out (I hope you don't feel that way about your blog friends...you're not even close to wearing me out, so keep writing and I'll keep responding )
I wish I had a magic cure, because not only would I be a gazillionaire, it might be something to help you. And something to help me next time I'm in that funk. Nobody who's been in that funk would ever believe that you can will yourself to get out of that funk. All that does is make you even more frustrated and you end up beating yourself up even more. I know that from experience.
Yep, I wish I had something really life changing to say. I don't. What I do have is a whole lot of love for you, my friend. I meant every word of that email I sent last night (and it was before I read this- so maybe we're on the same wavelength, eh?)
I'll bet your friends/family aren't really thinking "I don't want to hear this anymore". I'll bet they're frustrated because they want to fix things and they can't. That's my take on it, anyway.
Too bad we can bottle up the fun we had at the Melting Pot and partake of it whenever we feel down. That would be awesome, eh?
Know that you're loved, my friend.
Happy birthday you!
((((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))))))))
Gosh, RG really said it wonderfully and anything I say is just going to be painfully inadequate in the wake of that. It is a hard, hard road that you are on - the fact that we "know" how to get there is just taunting us and making us feel bad because we aren't doing it. It's such a pain in the a$$.
We do love you out here in blogland and beyond and we want to be here for you, to support you and like RG said, your friends and family are probably right there with us. It's hard when we can't "fix" something.But that doesn't mean that we don't want to hear it and try to help.
((((((((((((((((((((G)))))))))))))
I hope you have a great day - even a bright spot in a sea of dullness is one bright spot. :) Big hugs,
Anne
ps.s I hope you figure out what's going on with your son. I've been lucky with ER but I understand how you must be feeling.
Belated birthday greets, G!
I'd sing....but everyone tends to exit the room when I do that 'loud and offkey' biz.
*sigh*
I know 'broken'. Or I know the 'broken' I had to wade through to come to the other side. It was a painful journey with lots of devastation--none that I set out to create, but devastation none-the-less. I'm not so sure it was a bad thing--those 'things' in me needed reconciled, needed put to right size....and it would seem the only way that works for me is to blow 'em to smithereens. It felt like pieces of me went with 'em. I guess in some ways, that's really true.
I lost 'me'. I reckon I had to be lost to be found...elsewise I wouldn't have done that journey, eh?
It's wasn't easy. I wasn't even sure what I was going 'duc' hunting for. (duc=deep underlying causes)
I had no fancy, schmancy therapist, no one who held some shiney framed degree.....just someone(s) who gave a shit about my life. (sorry for the language)
Deciding to be happy meant giving up some things that kept me not so happy....which meant I got to become gutwrenchingly honest with me about things I coulda swore held no power or weight in my life.
Amazing how I did that con job on me.
I don't know what's driving it for you, G. Gawddddd.....I wish I did--I'd take it and give it the boot so you could know the freedom and peace and happiness.
Maybe try asking yourself the question that I got asked to ask?
"What did I let get in the way of my being happy today?"
That's where I started.
And ohmygosh the things that simple, daily question revealed to me.
(((((((((((((( G )))))))))))))))
Truly....If I could take away those barriers for you--I would.
*sending prayers and peacefilled thoughts to you*
*and healing prayers for the boy*
Loads of love to you.....
(yup.....STILL do novels....LOL)
Miss you friend! I hope you are doing okay...
(((((((((((((((((AG))))))))))))))))
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