is it raining yet?

a sunday in march

2009-03-22T16:09:00.000-07:00

HelllllOooooooo...???!!?!?

Where in the hell have I been? Oh, ya know....living, working, breathing. You'd think I could take 12 minutes and just write something here in case anybody is still checking. How hard could that be?

Let's see... what's new since I last posted? (3 months ago!)

Nothing, really.

I lost some weight, learned that I'm fine and gained back a few.

Oh! I almost cut off my thumb in the paper-cutter the other day! (almost.)

I didn't win the Dream Home in Sonoma. I thought sure that I would...

This year brought a new attitude and a new principal and I'm loving my job again. It's a sad time, however. California is in a gigantic budgetary hole and Education is getting hit. HARD. Last week, 7 of our teachers were handed lay-off notices. I've been certain that my job is safe because there is only 1 School Office Manager at each school and I'm the one. But I hear more cuts will be made and I could get "bumped". Time will tell......

How boring is this?
(All I have to do is bring up this "create post" box, and I'm at a loss for words.)

Perhaps in another 3 months I'll think of something interesting to share.

I'll just post some pics of where I've been since last we met...

Only in California...

New Year's Eve eve...

J. Paul Getty Villa

Wine tasting...

Annual Girls' weekend in Palm Desert

Shopping for shoes!!

2009 Race for the Cure...

Happy Spring!

And she's back...

2008-12-23T09:31:00.000-08:00

Holy sleet! It's been a long time since I've posted!

You know that theory about the older you get, the quicker time passes? Does it EVER! I can NOT believe we're 2 days away from Christmas. This year we decided (out of necessity, really..) that we would keep things to a minimum. It guess it's a good thing because I don't think I'd have been ready otherwise.

Not that I'm ready now! But I just have a few little things to finish and I should go grocery shopping for baking supplies. I'd like to, at least, bake some of our favorite treats.

We have sunshine now, but we've had clouds and rain and cool temperatures, which I love, so it finally feels a bit like Christmastime.

Don's still hanging on to his job for dear life. His company announced yesterday that the acquisition closed, so they're officially "bought out" by another large corp. They may offer to keep him on board for as much as a year during the transition, or they could drop him on his ass tomorrow. In the meantime, fingers are firmly crossed and his resume is being offered to anyone who will take it.

California is in the depths of a horrendous budget crisis, which means education is in serious danger. Our school district alone (for the first time ever) laid off a number of employees last month, eliminated numerous positions, put a freeze on spending, travel, breathing..... The second round of cuts will come next month. I've always thought of my job as being unquestionably secure. I'm confident they my position is secure, but benefits and wages could be reduced. We'll know more whenever the state can agree on a workable new budget.

In gooder news, I'm feeling better. I went to the doc and we talked about my depressed state of being. He started me on a new little mix of drugs. A couple of weeks ago I noticed the heaviness had lifted and that (dare I even think it?) I actually felt better. What a relief. I truly couldn't imagine that I could climb out of the hole I was in, but I'm getting there. I've got a long way to go, but I do feel more myself again. The times of dread and despair are fewer and the moments of joy are returning and hanging around. Whew!

My daughter is home and my son is jetting off to the UK after Christmas. Don's girl will be staying with us next week. I'm so thankful for winter break and the time it allows me to reflect, refresh and move forward...

AND, if I dont "see" you

Happy Christmas to all!

May your new year be filled with peace, love and laughter.

Pics, just because

2008-12-23T09:22:00.000-08:00

My new coat, thanks to mom-in-law's b-day present! :)

Seattle Arboretum, late October

Sail boats.. autumn trees.. blue lake

Canoe for hire..

Louie; from the outside looking in. What a face!

Our first flight on Virgin America. What a trip!

The mountain from above...

on our way home...

O tannenbaum ♫♪

Happiness is....

2008-11-12T00:00:00.000-08:00

I received an email today. One of those forwards that talks about happiness. There weren't any nauseating birds or sappy music. It was just a paragraph of all the things we've heard before about happiness.

It comes from within. You can't wait for it. It won't happen when you get a better job, meet Mr. Right, buy a new house...

"No object, person, or circumstance will make you happy. You are happy when you decide to be"

Do you know that I know all that?

I'm perfectly aware that happiness comes from within. We just have to decide to be happy. Happiness will flow out from you.

You are happy when you decide to be.

Ok. OKAY!

I know.

So knowing this, does THAT make me happy?

no.

Do I wanna be happy?

yes.

I can't (yes, I know I just said the word "can't") just simply declare "Tomorrow, I'm going to be happy!" and just BE happy.

I don't feel happy. I can see happiness. I know what happiness feels like.

I WANT TO BE HAPPY.

I'm not.

I've been carrying around this ball of gloom and dread right in the center of my soul.

I guess I need to go to the doc and see if he can adjust(?) my meds.

My friends and family don't want to hear about it anymore. They don't really GET it. Don comes pretty close, but I can't burden them with me anymore. I'm not good for anyone like this.

I need somebody to talk to. (Of course, time and money gets in the way.)

When I think back just a few years... when Don and I first knew one another and when he moved here and we married... Who was that person? She felt joy and ambition. Even when I was in that miserable marriage, I had ambition and could feel joy and happiness amidst and in between all the bullshit.

But now. Who is this person? What's become of me? I am not who I used to be or who I want to be......

I'm broken. :-/

---

In the meantime I'm concerned about my son. He has a chronic illness that has never been diagnosed. It's a mystery and a long story. He had an especially bad week last week, with a trip to the hospital Saturday morning (his first) that left us discouraged and distraught. (fucking Emergency Care really needs to get their shit together. I don't have a nice thing to say about one person who laid hands or eyes on us. But that's for another day.)

After this past week, I've decided (for probably the 12th time) that I'm making it my life's mission to find a doctor to listen to him.

Where to begin?

I've said it before. I know ... same old story. Time and money. No money; never enough time.

---

The feeling of dread and gloom is slightly better after a mild tranquilizer. (hard to believe THIS is tranquil??)

I want wanna pull the covers over my head (freshly washed flannel sheets tonight. ahhhh) and have hubby wrap around me extra tight.

breathe in, breathe out.

I feel just the tiniest of better having written this. That's what I'm here for.

(but if you're out there, i do love my dear readers)

oh. and Happy Birthday to me.

I need a map

2008-10-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

I've lost myself.

and

I'm feeling so sad lately...

It seems there has been nothing but bad news going around. Loss of loved ones in unfortunate accidents, a friend who lost her long and courageous battle with lung cancer, and friends faced with losses and heartbreak. There has been so much of this. All unrelated, yet still.....

Here at home, I'm faced with challenges involving finances, insurance bullshit and healthcare that amount to a big load of crap.

This without even mentioning the condition of our nation...the world.

Clearly, I'm depressed. (Yes, I'm on meds. Yes, I've upped them.) On the weekends if I don't have plans (which I haven't lately, mostly because I avoid them because I can't rationalize spending the money and I'm not really up to it because I'm not all that fun to be around anymore...) I find myself in a big fat funk. Don't wanna go out. Don't wanna stay in. [Insert too much explanation here] If I don't have a book that grabs me, I'm left with myself and my thoughts...

bleh

I am fully aware that I should count my blessings. I have the love of my family and we're all in relatively good health. I don't take that for granted, nor do I take for granted each new day. Every day that Don walks through the door and is still employed I'm thankful. (My job is secure. His is not.)

I'm just buried in my world of gloom. I'm not living my life the way I want.

I'm on the outside looking in.

Sometimes I'm on the inside looking out.

They say money doesn't buy happiness....but when you're struggling financially you realize that absence of money (enough money, not mass quantities) does buy misery. It's not just about money, but because of the difficulties it causes, I'm unable to take steps forward because it comes back to..well, money.

shit.

Something I realized.....Until recently, I have never worried about my financial future. When I was (unhappily) married, we (and when I say "we", I mean "he") had money in the bank and retirement plans secured. In what was my entire adult life, I never had to worry about "money" or my financial future. This is all relatively new to me. The realization, even newer.

It's unsettling and downright scary that now, at this point in my life, I have to work so hard only to have not enough money to pay the bills.

Oh, gawd... I could go on and on with the details.
I sound like an ungrateful piece of shit.

this is not all about money. i realize that's what it sounds like. it's not.

I just don't know where to being to find myself again. (Counseling? Can't afford it. Take up a hobby? No time. No ambition. No money. Do something for myself? again..no time..no money.)
I do manage to hang in there pretty well while at work. [Insert too much explanation here]

My relationships with my friends (and I have such dear, wonderful friends) are not what they used to be. I don't offer myself and I am not within reach anymore. My relationships with my kids are nearly unchanged. I imagine this is because we've grown up together and know each other inside-out. Don and I desperately need a jump start to get "us" back on track. We came into each other's lives after growing up..after kids..and just in time for what started a change in my life that we didn't anticipate. Is it the illness? Is it the financial worries? Is it fear?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

What's the point of all this drivel? What does it all mean?

I don't like who I am right now. I'm in fear that I won't find myself before the next bad thing..cancer..happens.

I just want to find a way back........

(next time I'll be more fun.)

( i just wanted to whine.)
( but i'm done now.)

Personality Image

2008-10-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

My result for The Perception Personality Image Test...
Hmmm, is this the real me?

NBPC - The Daydreamer

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life (the background) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the colors around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to ponder ideas and imagine the many possibilities of your life without worrying about the details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who enjoys going with the flow.

how about you?

all i can manage

2008-09-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

feeling blue...

and not just for one reason that might seem obvious to some. but for so many. i'm overwhelmed. i'm sad. i'm afraid. i'm depressed? i'm not who i want myself to be.

also, not looking for sympathy.

i'm just saying it.

out.

my girl

2008-09-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish for you,

is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish for you,

is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish

I.can.not.sleep...!!!

2008-08-26T02:00:00.000-07:00

Why?

Could it be because...

School opens in 30 hours and I have about that many hours work to do just to make that happen...?

I can't sleep knowing I have all that work to do, and the more I think about it the more awake I stay?

Which doesn't help, of course, because I'm not getting any work done right now and I'm going to be worthless if I don't fugging get some sleep!!!!

My girl moves to SD on Friday?

I've been more busy than I've ever been with work and haven't had the time to do the little extras that I so wanted to do before she moves.

Which is why I didn't work as late as I wanted to.... when she called and asked when I'd be home? And so we watched a movie and ate popcorn and m&m's.

Don's car is in the shop that requires more money than we should put into it, yet we can't swing a new car?
Daughter's car wouldn't start the other day and we have 3 days to get it to her favorite mechanic?

My check engine light came on today?

Ends weren't meeting before the cars took a crap?

I have more medical appts than I care to count in the coming weeks?

Don's having some unusual symptoms relating to his new meds?

My friends have loved ones dealing with important medical issues now? (((L))) (((M)))

Did I mention we're moving my daughter down on Friday?
I'm feeling sick to my stomach? again.

My daughter is moving on Friday? (If only she were more excited, rather than sad and nervous.) (I know it's great. I am so very happy for her and proud of her. But, it is still an emotional time.) (That's just how we are. okay??)

Even later now. Will I function tomorrow?
All of the above?

If I had sleeping pills, I'd have taken one (four) hours ago. (four meaning four pills, not four hours ago. well maybe four pills four hours ago)

sighhh....

Guess I'll head up and stare at the ceiling. Or out the window. I'll probably just doze off as the alarm sounds............

Capture

2008-08-09T15:10:00.000-07:00

I've become obsessed with a picture project.

The county newspaper is sponsoring a photo contest for a collaborative book that will feature the Best of Ventura County in pictures...

I decided, why not? I can upload a few pictures! You never know!

At first, my pictures were in the "daily leaders" all the time. As time marches on, there have been so many amazing photos added to the project.

(I'm out of my league here! So much for "daily leaders")

So many of the images that are being submitted are amazing. I love to browse through them and see what these imaginative and creative photographers have captured with their cameras.

I should be encouraged and inspired by all this. I want to learn all about photography - it's been at the top of my list of Things I Want To Do With My Life.

(i can't find the time and i don't have the money.

i don't have a natural talent for this so it would require a lot of time,

and any amount of money is more than i can swing right now..)

Still, I enjoy browsing around and continue to participate. I may add more photos, but this is some of what I have so far...

Click here and you can vote for me!

or not.

But, if you want to vote for a photo, click a photo and then the button with the green star that says I dig it.

Thanks and enjoy....!

July ends, work resumes...

2008-07-31T20:30:00.000-07:00

Whoa! How'd THAT happen?

Tomorrow, I go back to work.

TO-MOR-ROW!!!

July flew by in a wink of the eye. (Looka me, I made a rhyme!)

Here's a wrap-up of How-I-Spent-My -Summer-Vacation...

You know about our beach house weekend - definitely the highlight!

I made phone calls, cleaned up some long over-due filing, had (several!) lunch dates with friends (a luxury i enjoy so much and don't have when i'm working), a couple of beach days, Mamma Mia, read a few books. (I'm reading The Handmaid's Tale right now. {From the back cover: Funny, unexpected, horrifying and altogether convincing, The Handmaid's Tale is at once scathing satire, dire warning and tour de force.} It's quite good. )

I took care of some doctor appointments including this! (fun!)

My daughter and I went to the Happiest Place on Earth. We had a fabulous time! Lots and lots of laugh-out-loud moments!

Oh, yeah and Coldplay! Wooh, that was fun :-)

We've been shopping and planning and preparing for my girl's move to SDSU. Next week, we'll go for Orientation. She'll get her class schedule all mapped out and register for classes. The big move takes place August 29th. I am very proud and excited for her. (wahhhhhh!) No really, I am.

As I head back at work, the task of opening school awaits. There are changes taking place this year that I'm cautiously hoping will be for the better. I plan to try to make some changes myself to implement what I know would be better for the school office. The climate last year was, for me personally, miserable. I'm going to make every effort to change that. This will be a challenge, to put it mildly...

*BIG deep breath*

So, tonight we've had dinner on the patio and in less than 12 hours I'll be back at school. Heaven help me.

I think I'd best stop at Starbux on my way in...

(As a side note, I've really enjoyed having the time to visit friends and visit blogs and actually have time to comment. And read books. And make my own schedule. "Time" is what I crave the most sometimes...) (not really a "side note" after all.)

Summertime

2008-07-04T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hello out there...

First things first. Thank You, my friends, for your unconditional support. It's just so nice and comfy, knowing you're there. :)

Do I have my shit together? No. But, I am on break, having a bit of fun thrown in, and just taking it one day at time...

Recently, a dear friend got married. Her sister and I became friends when we were 12 years old. The 3 girls in that family became "sisters"to me. They're like family. Michele got married, at 45, for the first time! A few days before the wedding, I was asked if I could take a few pictures. I said I'd be happy to; I planned to bring my camera anyway. It wasn't until I arrived that day, that I realized they had NO photographer. I was it. I'm glad I had the opportunity to record the special memories made on that day.

I've never made a slide show video before. I had a lot of fun putting it together..Choosing the software to create it, choosing the right pictures, the right music, the right transitions from slide to slide... After the project was competed, I couldn't find a good place to share it. Very frustrating. Sooo, I set up a page on Blogger so that the Happy Couple and their family and friends could view the video. (You're welcome to watch it--10 long minutes!)

The preceding long story was meant to explain why my screen name is now Gayle, and not Anonymous G. I'll get around to fixing that later.
Ok. fixed. Anonymous G is me once more.

Did I put you to sleep with all that? probably...

Wanna see the pictures from our family beach weekend?

Beach House! 08! Family fun!

out of sight...

2008-06-22T19:30:00.000-07:00

Any time I even think about starting a new entry, my mind heads off in all directions.

I'm busy. I'm depressed. I'm out of touch.

I'm going someplace, doing something. I'm going to work. Coming home weary.

I'm tired of worrying about finances...my family...my health.

And, of course, the ever-present "Never Enough Time".

bleh.

Where do I begin? Yet, there's really nothing to say. I have a small group of long-distance friends. The few of you are the only readers of this here pitiful blog. You all truly mean so much to me. I know that the only way we can stay close, is to keep in touch. I visit your blogs almost every day. I am always in touch with you through your writings. How connected can you feel to me, when I'm silent most of the time? Lately I find that I'm not even commenting, though I have so many feelings to share when I read about your lives.

I feel trapped, somehow.... I can't do everything, so I just do nothing.

At this moment, I'm getting ready to head to the beach for a short time, followed by lunch somewhere that's air conditioned. We are having a heat wave and it is hotter than H.E.DoubleHockeyStix.

~~~~
11 hours later. I'm home again. The beach was lovely. Warm sun, cool breeze, sand in my toes and the ocean's waves. I am lulled by the rhythm of the waves. A visit to the beach should renew me and refresh me so that I'm ready to face life's realities once more. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. The peace doesn't stay with me....

Gosh, I've got so much to say but just don't know how to say it. . .

If we could all meet for a cup of coffee or a bottle of wine once a week or so, wouldn't that be easier? (Doesn't that sound terrific??)

Thanks for looking out for me... Lori, you called me out 3 times - I can't ignore that! I miss you all and will try to keep a promise to myself to write soon. (Don't worry. I don't feel like I owe it to you. I owe it to myself. I am constantly getting in my own way!)

sigh.

much love....xoxo

Out of touch

2008-05-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

with my blog friends...

with my relatives...

with pop culture...

with why things are the way they are...

with what's important...

with myself.

sighhh............

'til we meet again?

2008-04-15T22:56:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, we bid farewell to Grandpa. Mario is my children's grandpa...their dad's dad. He was a charming, handsome little Italian man. He always treated me like the daughter he never had. He spent hours in his yard, tending to his roses and his many animals through the years. He built patios and fireplaces and pathways and playhouses. He loved wine and opera and told interesting and amusing stories of his boyhood. I loved him. He will be missed.

He and my kids were very close and spent a lot of time together until the end. Still, they are so very sad. We talked about how much it hurts today, but how lucky they are to have had grandpa in their lives for so long! He lived to be 88 years old! They had a great relationship, he loved his grandkids, and left this earth with no regrets.

Arrivederci, Nonno!

say it with pictures

2008-03-30T23:24:00.000-07:00

San Francisco blessed us with beautiful weather.

We walked miles, took in the sites,
ate and drank and had a terrific time!

Ghirardelli Hot Fudge Sundaes. Decadent and worth every bite!

The Cherry blossoms were in full bloom in Golden Gate Park!

Breakfast in Little Italy. Pasticcerie deliziose!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later in the week, an adventure in the wine country....

lettuce b. frank. across the street from our sidewalk cafe :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And finally, San Diego.
A visit to the campus and lunch at the beach.

Did I mention my girl will be transferring to
SD State University in the fall?? I am so proud of her!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Tomorrow? back to it. ohboy

Did I clear my head? no, I didn't.
However, I did have a very nice Spring Break.

Don has been in pain again. He's still waiting on final results. Another appointment Friday. I'm hope hope hoping whatever it may be, the docs will have offer a treatment to help him feel better.
*crossing fingers and praying that he'll get relief soon*

Today's Joys

Ibuprofen

sweatshirts and slippers

sourdough toast

Big Puffy Clouds

friends

Spring Break

2008-03-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

Since you've been so kind to inquire, I'm checking in.

Don is well. He's still got a couple of specialists to see, but looks like the big "C" has been ruled out. *big sigh of relief* What he's got, more than likely, is an unusual form of arthritis. Thankfully, he's been feeling quite good for weeks now. Hopefully after diagnosis is made, he'll be able to avoid the kind of discomfort he's had to bear.

I'm off again for another weekend getaway. (Hubby said last night that I'm leaving him all the time lately. Cute. He's not one to say things like that...he always encourages me to get out and have a good time.) Hitting the road tomorrow at 6a with a couple of girlfriends. We're headed up to San Francisco. My friend's daughter lives up there and is a great planner of fun. I'm in dire need of fun, so I'm looking forward to the adventure. We'll be back home by Sunday evening. It's spring break (woo HOO!) and I'm thankful for that. I really need some time away from work to clear my head.

I'll be back with photos from my walk and some shots of SF.
xo

Time, time...

2008-03-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

Life is busy and I wonder why it is that I can't ever find the time to do the things I want and/or need to do.

I work full time. I can't say I'm doing something that I love or that what I do each day is so fulfilling that it's worth the time and effort that I put into it. A thought came to me recently. It's unrealistic and unhealthy to even give any attention to the thought. It keeps speaking to me and I wish it would shut up already.

"I don't want to work full time anymore"

Shut UP! I need a full time job. I should be (and am, really) thankful to have the job.

I just don't or, rather, I am just unable to make the time to do the things I need to do. I need to finish projects in my house. I need to make phone calls to clear up some chronic insurance matters. I need to clean my closets. I need to reorganize the house. I need to take better care of my plants. My car needs brakes. My upstairs bathroom is leaking from lord know where. We painted but never replaced the baseboards. I need new flooring in a big bad way.

I want to better myself. I want to find a therapist. I want to take classes in Excel and religious studies and cooking. I want more time to write, take photographs. Learn Photoshop. Return phone calls. I want to enjoy making dinner again. I want to bake just 'cause I want to, not because I'm taking dessert to a gathering. I want a massage. A facial. Smell the fucking roses.

I want to travel................

sighh

I've started reading a blog written by a woman who recently learned she has breast cancer - rather advanced - and she's telling her story as it plays out. She's terrific. Most days when she posts she closes with "Joys Today". I'm going to try that:

Today's Joys

that first cup of coffee

green hills

my son's rockin' new haircut

red wine

a sweet good morning text from my girl

fresh sheets

a welcome home hug

the internet

There now. I feel better.

Tomorrow we're taking the day off - Don's having his biopsy and we're that much closer to getting him better. Friday is his follow up appt. AND his birthday.

goodnight, sweet dreams...

Once upon a time...

2008-03-10T20:59:00.000-07:00

Here's a random photo from my girlee getaway. It was hard to find one that I could publish.

I'll let you make up a story to go with it. :)

Girlee Overnight!

2008-03-01T07:14:00.000-08:00

I've lots to say but can never find the time.

time time...

No news yet on my hubby. Tests in the next week...I think we should have a diagnosis by the end of next week(?) Prayers and good positive thoughts are welcome....

Leaving in moments for my annual YaYa weekend. This is a reunion of 5 ladies as we've all (but me!) gone our separate ways from our school. (The one where I work now, not the schools we attended as kiddies) This year's theme:

Spa, Beauty, and Love Thy InnerSelf.

Not that we usually have a theme, but I named this one just because I wanted to and because I can!(could?)

A good time WILL be had by all. Stories, laughter and general goofball behavior.

Here's a picture from a previous event.

You get the idea.

Hugs to all!

xoxo

still...

2008-02-12T20:50:00.000-08:00

Following his lead and staying positive.

My first post urging you to join me in my positive thoughts for good positive things was prompted by a feeling of dread in my gut that I couldn't (but wanted to) ignore.

It started with a backache...

Over the past year or so, hubby's been plagued with back pain that comes and goes and moves around and back again. His doctor says exercise, it's all due to age, blah blah blah... Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and another visit to the doc. This time, after a few months of pretty constant pain and an explanation to the kindly doctor that it HURTS too much to exercise maybe I should try physical therapy, an MRI is ordered.

Next day, hubby has the MRI. I come home from work to the phone ringing. The imaging center just talked to the doc. He wants him back for another look - with contrast.

(now I'm thinking...they found something. this can only mean they found something.) Hence, the request for good positive thoughts.

Next day, back in the big machine. The doctor called hubby soon after. Some sort of infection or inflammation was found in and around his spine. This is abnormal, in case you were wondering.

We've been to 2 specialists. They explain a few possibilities. Tb (are you kidding?), some unknown inflammation or infection (more likely), or tumor (i am NOT going there).

Looks like in the next few days a biopsy will be ordered to have a look at what might be going on.
That's the short story.

Good thoughts, positive vibes, and prayers are welcome...

ok, so maybe not yet...

2008-02-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

Another visit with another specialist yet to come........

Following hubby's lead and not worrying, staying positive, taking things one step at a time.

Groundhog +2

2008-02-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

Thank you, my good sweet friends, for your thoughts....

It was a good weekend. Friday evening, the kids took us to dinner to celebrate our anniversary. We had a nice time...good food...good fun. This restaurant has white butcher paper on the table and they provide crayons for doodling...

<----My son, the artist

Saturday we took a hike. It was a lovely day and it felt good to just get out in the fresh air and wander about, instead of sitting on our asses at home.

In the evening, we ate dinner in front of the TV - watched the Wedding Crashers. Fun movie...

Sunday, laundry, chores etc... Oh, and I found a really cute top at Banana Republic for $8.99!!! I just love a good buy! In between it all -- a jigsaw puzzle, reading, listening to music. . .

Tomorrow, we'll learn more and I'll be able to share with you my concerns.

love & hugs to all...

Ohhmmm....

2008-01-29T17:28:00.000-08:00

Repeat along with me...

Good Positive Thoughts for Good Positive Things.

I'm a little worried right now. MORE than a little worried.

sighhh...

No details. I'm sure it's going to be fine.

Good Positive Thoughts for Good Positive Things for my hubby....

...thank you

Happy Anniversary to us....

2008-01-22T23:59:00.000-08:00

Married! 3 years today. Friends all say "Wow, that flew by!" I think, "Only 3 years? I can't remember us NOT being together!" We both have long histories behind us. Each of us had children, and a long (inferior, I might add) marriage before we met. But 3 seems like such a little number.

(Okay, I just HAD to check. I said just about the same thing last year on our anniversary! I am so much like myself! Can't I think of anything original?)

To celebrate this year, we made a day trip to Laguna Beach. It was lovely, and very hard to leave.
Beautiful coastline

tidepools...Look! A sea star!!

Yummy lunch by the crashing waves..
(not our best picture, but just look at our table! its location, i mean!) (!)

Swaying palm trees

Red phone booth?

Charming village.

Next time, we really MUST stay awhile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

side note:
I think my positive attitude effort is ever-so-very-slightly improving maybe sometimes just a little tiny bit. Isn't that fabulous??

It's a whole new year...

2008-01-06T21:38:00.000-08:00

If anyone is still checking in, I'm writing in hopes to clear my head. Pay no attention, I'm just thinking out loud.

The holidays were a blur; a whirlwind of stress and exhaustion with a little bit of joy and warmth thrown in just to keep me going.

Don and I welcomed in the new year in Seattle. We stayed just about a week and it was really a great visit. I enjoy spending time with my sis and brother in law. Don's girl stayed with us and we visited the mom as much as we could. She misses her little boy now that he's down in California. Of course, I couldn't have been more thrilled about spending a few hours on New Year's eve with my long distance girls (and a couple of hubbies!). I'm not sure about the rest of you, but it truly feels like we're everyday friends. We've known each other for so long now, that I feel so comfortable being together. There's no awkward warm-up time. I'm thankful for our unique and very special friendships. Extra hugs go out to Lori. I hope you're feeling better, my friend. You know I love you. xoxo

I'm not one to make resolutions. I mean, really, who every sticks to them anyway?? But this year I feel especially compelled to reevaluate my life. I've been feeling increasingly dissatisfied with myself and my life. I'm not happy with myself because I know I'm getting in my own way of happiness.

I've noticed that anytime I'm away on vacation, I am happier. I am able to leave behind most of the stress and feelings of discontent. This trip, we were gone long enough that it was very noticeable when I came back to reality. While away, I spent a lot of time thinking about the way I've been and what things I can do for myself to make things better. I was able to think clearly and felt sure that I'd come home with a fresh start at my new improved attitude. I need to set goals. Not big lofty ones--just small, attainable goals. I'd be easier on myself. I'd strive for a more positive outlook and those around me would notice my departure from negativity.

Then we got on a plane and came home.

sighhh...

Bam. Much as I want to, I just can't climb out of my hole. I haven't written my lists. I'm trying to not be outwardly negative, but it's a struggle.

I suppose I should start that list. Create some goals. Follow through...

*pulls up big-girl panties*

Cheers and Happy New Year!

Happy Christmas!

2007-12-25T12:33:00.000-08:00

Wishing love and peace to all...
xoxoxoxo

In no particular order...

2007-11-21T23:41:00.000-08:00

Things I am Thankful For:
(or should that be, Things For Which I am Thankful?)

My hubby, who loves me with all my weird ways

My children. They are just my favorite people!

ATMs. I still can't get over the fact that I put in my card and out comes money!

My friends. I have a handful of friends who are like sisters to me. They are the best! I am thankful for the friends I've made in my cyberspace. You all mean so much to me.

Starbux (what can I say? small pleasures)

Each and every new day

And the list goes on...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

My Birthday Mantra

2007-11-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

"It's my birthday and we'll do whatever I damn well please...dammit".

Worked out nicely. :-)

Yesterday, Don and I took off for a little adventure. Wine tasting, romantic dinner, a sleepover. Breakfast this morning followed by meandering and gallivanting, late lazy lunch, then home.

I came home to a Happy Birthday sign stuck in the planter by the front door. Inside, the place was decorated with balloons, a happy birthday banner, tulips in a vase, presents and a cake (homemade!) on a decorated table.

I've really not had a hard time with this "milestone" birthday. Well, until today.

Jeez...50.

I remember when my parents turned 50. They were old! *I* am certainly not THAT old. How could that be? Defies reason.

shrug.

I sure feel loved, though. Don and I had a really, really great time together. The kids gave me presents that I love....including an invitation for a special day together this coming Saturday. I'm really looking forward to that now too!

Lots of things to write about, but it is getting late. A person my age needs her rest before facing another week (albeit a shorter one than usual) at work. :-p

In the meantime, enjoy the photos....

Yesterday was a beautiful fall day. Cool, breezy, clouds, showers. Perfectly lovely.

A room at the inn...

Flowers from my sweetie...

Today, like summer. Sunshine, blue skies, warm air.

(p.s. Thanks again for the song, Lori. You made me SMILE!)

good...good

2007-10-25T23:39:00.000-07:00

The fires are still burning in the southern parts of the state. The devastation is enormous. We're safe. The air is clear again for the most part.

I went for my ultrasound yesterday afternoon. Normal. Didn't I tell you there was nothing to worry about? yeah.

Stayed home sick from work today. Pushed myself through yesterday with some sort of sinus, sore throat, achy body thing that was worse today. I think I'm feeling better, but I'm up because I can NOT sleep! After tossing and turning for more than an hour, I decided to get out of bed. I guess it's because I slept during the day. (I just about never do that..)

I'll see if reading makes me sleepy. I'm in the middle of Love Walked In. I'm really enjoying it, so it may keep me up. Oh well.

Goodnight, sweet dreams.....

Full moon tonight.

Where there's smoke...

2007-10-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Our first big winds for the season and there is fire all around...

(thankfully, we're safe. for now.)

These shots are the view from our bedroom window today around 3:00 in the afternoon....

These photos are the view from the hill

at the end of our street...

eerie.

Alert the press!

2007-10-19T23:26:00.000-07:00

Mel likes my kitty!! Mel likes my kitty!!

:-)

He does have beautiful blue eyes... AND, he is the most entertaining cat ever! He's SO playful. At any given moment, he'll suddenly start running around at warp speed, making weird jungle kitty noises, flying up and down the stairs and bouncing off the furniture. Hilarious! Other times, he's chasing his tail and just can't understand why it keeps moving away from him, even when he turns around and sneaks up on it! He plays with his toys and just generally does all the cute kitty things to keep us all amused and entertained. Jack. Gotta love him.

~~~~~

Nothing new on the wire in the pulmonary arteries front. I'm trying to arrange for a second opinion. My insurance will only pay for it if I use one of the doctors THEY pick. I've already done that. This time, I'd like to choose my own. I have some friends who have great contacts, so I will probably make an appointment with one of these doctors and just pay out of pocket. I suppose it's worth it. It's so hard to get all the little things done, working full time and having no privacy to make these kinds of calls at work. I'll get to it, though. We'll see...

~~~~~

I have an appointment next week for a booby ultrasound. :-\
The last visit to my oncologist resulted in an order for an ultrasound because he didn't like the lumps in my remaining booby. I sort of forgot about it because I was focusing on the wire in the chest and the looming possibility of surgery. Now, I'm being a good little patient and getting the ultrasound. I'm sure it's just scar tissue so I've decided not to worry.

~~~~~

The spider picture in my last post? This guy lived in his web between two trees out front for about a week. He was really beautiful. I think spiders are cool. My daughter thinks I'm crazy, as she is terrified of the little creatures. She can NOT understand why, when we find spiders in the house, I gather them up and carry them outside to safety, rather than smash their little guts to pieces.

~~~~~

Tomorrow evening we're having dinner with friends. I'm bringing my world famous garlic bread, cheesecake and wine. That, in itself, is dinner enough for me!

~~~~~

I've about run out of (un)interesting things to say. I made it through this without whining! (haven't I?) I'd best be moving on.

Hugs and love and peace and good hair days to all..........

If you don't have anything nice to say...

2007-10-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

...post photos instead.

okie dokie

2007-10-03T21:24:00.000-07:00

He's leaving it in there.

Apparently, this piece of wire has made itself at home and imbedded itself in my body. The doctor says surgery would be much too dangerous and not necessary because he feels this shouldn't pose a problem.

I had lots of questions, and I got my answers..mostly.

So, there you have it. It is a little unsettling knowing it's in there, but I'm so relieved that I won't be having surgery.

Thanks for all your care and concern...

funky buffet

2007-09-27T21:33:00.000-07:00

Funky, but cute. The items on top are temporary. I found the perfect wine rack at Pottery Barn that mounts on the wall. I hope to pick that up this weekend.
----Yes, Mel. That IS a pull out table. Love it! Also, below the pulls are 2 drawers that pull open. Maybe it looks like 8 drawers, but below those 2 drawers, are doors that open. cool!

quickly...

2007-09-26T21:41:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note to say that I have nothing new to report about my latest adventure in medical history.

I was planning to write about health insurance and how it dictates our health care... I saw my oncologist today. It may be the last time I can see him because of my fucking insurance trouble. :-(

But I have a headache and I'm heading to bed.

Thanks for all your kind words and support...My appointment with the specialist is 1 week from today.

goodnight.

eta: I'll try to take a photo of my new buffet thingy for mel. ;-)

maybe tonight?

Do I want to write this?

2007-09-26T20:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in...

I read RG's posts about being Pollyanna and what she's achieved in her life due to her positive outlook and hard work and tenacity... Her reader Annie replied with her own story of happiness. I am unable to share the same sentiments.

I feel like I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the time when I can finally be happy. NOT gonna happen! I KNOW this is a big mistake. I am completely aware that the time is NOW to live. I could waste my life away, waiting. I KNOW what it takes to live the life and be happy. I KNOW that I am only getting in the way of myself. I also know what's inside of me...I am filled with love and wit and compassion and sarcasm and hope.

The people I know who have achieved this state of contentment and happiness that is so illusive for me, mostly have not had an ideal life. They've achieved this through their hard work and positive attitude. Yet, here I am, looking at 50 and I am unable to go on about how lucky I am. How I love my job. Or my garden. Or my hobbies. b.l.a.h.

We all have our own pains and trials and challenges in our lives. Mine are not insurmountable. I just can't get past myself!

SO many years of regret...

My first marriage had a profound effect on my soul. The environment was so negative. combative. I felt alone, unloved, disrespected. These were the prime years of my adulthood! Years that were mostly miserable. The result of that marriage is my son and daughter who fill my life. Of course, the result of that marriage is also a lot of heartache. My kids and I are fucked up in ways that nobody could understand but us. I am reminded of my mistakes every day when I see how they've affected others.

I am now married to a man who loves me in a way I only dreamed I could be loved. He allows me to just be. In every way, I can love him freely and feel loved without doubt. Our marriage, our love is the one thing I can count on with ease.

This is not enough, however.

*sigh*

It's all inside me. I know it's there. I just can't make it happen. I am getting in the way of my life.

Not sure how to close this .... One foot in front of the other, I carry on.

(addendum: I still find joy in the beauty around me and am thankful for each new day. I don't walk around grumbling with my head drooping down to my feet. I smile. I laugh. Just so you know and just so I remember...)

It's fall...that's all

2007-09-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

Well, my friends, here is the latest...

I had some sort of pulmonary CT scan on Monday. It's in there, alright. At this point, the radiologists and my PCP (Primary Care Physician) are guessing that it's the guide-wire that was used when my port-a-cath was inserted in March of '05. It must have broken free during insertion. It looks pretty clean, but it's now taken on a V shape and is lodged in my pulmonary artery.

great.

A big No-No when you have metal in your body is MRI. Well, I had an MRI last year! Who knows what could have happened?! It's probably what moved the wire and caused it to bend. (Another theory, but a good one I think!)

I have an appointment with a specialist (a cardiothoracic surgeon) on October 3rd. *scary*
I have LOTS of questions and I'm sure I'll get them answered at this consultation.
gah!

I'm doing okay, as long as I don't think too much about it. I really don't know enough yet, but I do know that if surgery is necessary it's going to be a big set back. Time away from work, another recovery to worry about. What if something happens to me? Not so much for myself, but I worry so much for my family...

Long as I don't think about it, I'm okay.

. . . . . . . . .

Yesterday was spent keeping busy rearranging and throwing away stuff. We bought a new funky little buffet cabinet. It looks cute over there, don't you think?------>

Friday and Saturday it rained! :-) Friday night we had thunder and lightening. It was great! The rain is gone now, but it made today the most beautiful day. Today was one of those days where you could see forever. The hills were as clear as can be. You could practically see an ant's ass. (if they have asses, anyway)-- Don and I went for a drive. We drove through hills and valleys, past orange groves and vegetable farms. The sky was blue and seemed so BIG. Nice.

We found ourselves a wine bar for a lovely light repast. We had a cheese platter (with Irish cheese that had been soaked in Guinness! Delish!) and 2 flights of wine. It was great. In my fantasy world, I wish that Don and I could quit our jobs (we're both in a less than perfect situation right now) and open a little cozy tasting room right here in town. We need something like that here. We fantasized about that together, as we sipped and nibbled. . .

I brought my camera along, but didn't take one picture.
I'll post these and we'll pretend I took them today!

Not what I expected...

2007-09-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, and a school holiday. I was able to schedule my appointment on the day off so I wouldn't have to a) take time off from work, and 2) explain myself to everyone.

So I got up early, took a xanax and went for a ride in the big white claustrophobia machine. It wasn't too bad. Last time I had a Pet scan, a different machine was used and it was far more claustrophobic for a claustrophobe like me. This baby was state of the art. Pet/CT scanner - great diagnostics and pretty darn comfortable.

I just wanted the test to be clear. I'm almost 3 years out and it would be good to know that I really am so-far-so-good. Turns out, my scans were clear.

almost.

It seems they found something. Something in my chest. Something that doesn't belong there. A very thin, very well hidden, 10 cm long piece of metal. I was called this morning at work and told to leave right away to go back for a couple of chest x-rays. They would be waiting for me at the radiology center and then the radiologist would compare the x-rays to the pet scan and discuss his findings with my doctor. I waited all day for the phone to ring...........

It seems this thin wire is in my pulmonary artery.

(!)

The doctors are a little puzzled as to how it could be where it is. I had a port-a-cath put in and taken out during the year of my adventure ('05). Apparently something was left behind upon removal. I'll be having an angiogram this week to better determine its position and condition in my body.

It's pretty certain that I'll have to have it surgically removed. Apparently, it's a delicate surgery. It would take place at a huge hospital far from my familiar surroundings.

(Chrissakes...in my pulmonary artery??)

While I'm relieved that no cancer was found, this isn't small potatoes either. I'm just trying to breathe and wait to see what happens next.

Don's working late tonight and probably most of the weekend. Tonight I met up with a friend. We sat out on the patio and she had ice cream and I had a glass of wine. I'll keep myself busy this weekend, I suppose, because I don't want to think. I don't like worrying and that's what I do with too much free time. Luckily, I have laundry to do! And bathrooms to clean! And a book or two to read.

That's where I'm headed now. To bed with a book while I wait for my sweetie to come home.

goodnight.

~~~~~~
holy shit. don just called. he'd called a few minutes ago to tell me he was heading home. now, he's on the freeway and just witnessed a spectacular accident. the emergency vehicles aren't even there yet. we got cut off when he apparently started talking to one of the victims.

come to think of it, my day started by nearly getting hit on my way in to work this morning.

what a day!

i just want my hubby home safe now.

I'm writing this so you can stop worrying that I may have been abducted by aliens and used as a test earthling making it impossible for me to post...

2007-09-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

Not to worry. No abduction.

A few reasons I haven't written recently and don't write often....

It's difficult for me to gather thoughts to write when I'm juggling conversations with the kids and the hubby and the cat. My computer sits right in the mucking fiddle of the living area where everybody lives. TVs, guitars, meals. Who can think??

Mostly, I tend to write negative posts. I piss and moan and whine about the way things are. I'd be sick and tired of me if I wasn't me. Well, now that I mention it, I AM sick and tired of me.

See? There I go again...........

see yas.

-----oh. i tried to take a picture of my haircut. it's amusing. i showed the hairstylist the picture of the hairstyle i wanted. well, she cut my hair in what she told me was the style in the picture. um, no. it looks pretty much the same as always. my hair has a mind of its own.

i think this picture is freaky, that's why i'm posting it.

oh! and one more thing. today is my son's birthday. we had a wonderful breakfast together and he absolutely LOVED his present. (the acoustic guitar he's been drooling over since forever)

Happy Birthday to my favorite boy. Mommie loves you so much!

Days go by

2007-08-11T15:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think that life gets in the way of life? I do.

I mean, we all know that we need to make the most out of each day....especially as adults. As young people, we're busy learning and finding our way in the world. The older we get, the more we need to stop and smell the roses. None of that sweating the small stuff. Live and enjoy what we have because we never know what's next. It could be something wonderful. Or it could be the unexpected tragedy.

Pain, grief, accomplishment, joy, peace, turmoil. What's it gonna be? One never knows. Seems recently my life has been a series of emotional ups and downs. Many things are beyond my control. I just have to deal with them. However, much of it is what goes on inside my head. Feelings of inadequacy, regrets...all that unhealthy stuff. It's not quite all-consuming. I have lots of joyfulness, but it's an ever-present underlying current. It's apparent to those who love me. The last thing I want is to subject my negativity (for lack of a better word) to my loved ones. I've been whining about this too long. I am totally aware of the fact that I need to shut up and DO something about.

My husband loves me dearly and unconditionally. I've come to depend on that love. I don't know that's a good thing, but it's a way of life now. I enjoy our friendship and partnership and love. It's not enough. That alone cannot make me happy. *I* have to make me happy.

There have been events and changes in my life that have brought me to the realization that this may be it. I've always had hopes and dreams and goals to reach for and look forward to. I guess I'm realizing that my head is in the clouds. Those hopes and dreams aren't realistic. Bleh... I've got work to do. It's too much to spell out right here.

Last week I attended a funeral for a young man. The church was FILLED with hundreds of friends and family members who loved this boy. His short life ending suddenly at 16. He was a terrific young man. Had everything to offer the world. Now he's gone and those that he leaves behind must go on without him. His mom is amazing. She is dealing with her grief in such a straightforward, honest way. I've always adored and admired her, but now more than ever. The family could use your prayers...

~~~~
Today's challenge is returning a hulky piece of furniture we bought last week that weighs about 2 million pounds. I don't know WHAT I was thinking when I bought it , but now I want it GONE! I have a very difficult time with decision making. I think and think and think before I feel I've made the right decision. What happens most often is that AFTER the decision has been made and carried through, I reach clarity and it's always different than the decision that's been made. Why wasn't I able to come to that decision before it was too late? Not sure how to change this flaw, but I really need to because it's becoming an inconvenience and it's definitely pissing me off!

It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and I'm still in "jammies" and eating frosted flakes because I'm feeling squirrelly - my tummy's sorta phuckt up. Laundry and chores await. I hear them calling..."Yooohoooooooooo..?" yeah, yeah...I'm coming. sheeesh.

I've been back at work now for a week. My summer break was relaxing and I enjoyed it. Flew by like a long weekend, though. My new position has me returning 3 weeks earlier than I've always done. 5 weeks off! I'm lucky for that (don't get PAID for it, but it's still a luxury!) Now that I'm back it's like I never left and I am BURIED already.

Gee - you must all be ready to leap off a bridge after reading this. Sorry.... Guess I needed to dump.

And while I'm at it, I really am sad that we're not able to make the trip up Seattle for the party. We have family there and it should be easy enough to go. I reaalllly hate when money is the reason. I know I should be thankful for all I have. I am. But when money gets in the way of things like this it just makes me sad. boo hoo.

I'm thinking about changing my hair. If I DO, I'll be like Lori and show it off! My hair is longer than it's been since, well since it came back! It's not the same hair as before I lost it. It was always soft and shiny. Then, it grew back curly, then wavy, now straight but not silky and shiny. I found a picture of what I'd like. I'll bring it to the hairdresser and say "Make me look like this!" Cross your fingers!

I'll close now (if anybody is actually still reading this!). Love and hugs to all of you...

Beach house, Bee-otch house

2007-07-18T23:31:00.001-07:00

Summer is moving right along. I'm trying to make the most of every day and NOT kick myself for not accomplishing what I hope to each day. Doesn't matter WHAT I think I'm going to do, something else always comes along... Car trouble, a coffee date, unexpected phone calls, life.

Last I wrote, I was working on plan B for a beach getaway. Plan B fell through, as did Plan C! BUT, Plan D worked out just great! I found a little beach house in Santa Barbara...What a great little place and it was walking distance to everything! This is the first time the whole family has gone away together. I wondered how it would all work out. Our kids are all SO different. Their ages - 14, 19, 22. Different interests and different personalities. Don and his daughter have their own little way of communicating completely unlike me and my kids. There were moments, sometimes a lot of moments, where we were 2 separate families. Other times, we were all together enjoying ourselves...laughing and talking and eating and playing. It was all good...and so very relaxing. I only wish we could have stayed longer. Maybe next year! As a matter of fact, now that I've done the research, next year's trip should be lots easier.

I've become a bit of an armchair traveler. I'm a member of Tripadvisor. I use that site to help plan most of our vacations. I trust the reviews, because they're written by travelers. (Just like you and me!) I look forward to writing my reviews and posting my photos whenever I return from a trip.

(uhhh....except this time since we stayed in a private rental) :D

~~~~~~~~~

We've had a series of events that have really gotten us down. Now, I really don't sweat the small stuff. I have plenty of important things to worry and stress about, thankyouverymuch. This seems like small stuff, but recently, it's weighing on us heavily. We live in a community with a Homeowners Association. THE BOARD arbitrarily concocted some outrageous parking enforcements that never existed before. The fees apply to us because we have more than 2 drivers in our home. We live in a 3 bedroom townhome. Married couple, 2 adult children. Helloooo?? Is that excessive?? The whole idea is entirely unnecessary, as our complex does NOT have a parking problem! Don's car was towed off the property last week! OUR car. OUR property! It's so... I dunno, hurtful? insulting? to walk out and find your car GONE. (Add insult to injury--it cost $315.00 to bail out the car!!!)

The center of the problem is a woman who lives here. She is a member of THE BOARD and thinks she owns the place. Really! She is a certifiable BEE-OTCH! Ask anybody - she really is!She and I recently had a conversation that led to the subject of the new enforcements. Somehow, this conversation ended with her face 4 inches from my daughter's, wagging her finger in my daughter's face and accusing her of being irresponsible. It was COMPLETELY unfounded and I was flabbergasted! She followed up that act by having our car towed.

sigh...

Needless to say, we're feeling unhappy and unwelcome in our own neighborhood. It's such an icky feeling. We haven't resolved the issues and until we do it's just tense and uncomfortable. We'll be attending the Homeowners' meeting next week. (at long last...we've been WAITING for them to put one on the calendar!) We don't expect resolution, but we at least need to be heard.

We'll make the best of things.... we just need to find out where we stand before we can put it behind us.

~~~~~~~~~

You know I can't end without some photos.

Here's a link. Hope it works. I may take it down after a bit.
Enjoy!

http://good-times.webshots.com/album/559893422nslFeC?vhost=good-times

*hugs to all*

un-tagged

2007-07-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

Mel didn't tag me, but I tagged myownself.

My answers are rather boring, but, who cares? I'm on vacation! :-p

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Suffering through year 14 of my miserable marriage...I didn't know it, but the road to recovery was just around the corner...

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Celebrating a summer without "treatments".

Writing more interesting posts than I am now!

Looking to make some changes I still haven't made. sighh.. MUST do something about that.

Five snacks you enjoy:

Cheeeese

Hummus and pita

Wine with cheese

Bread. Love it...bring on the carbs!

Fruit, with cheese and bread. And wine.

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

Just about every Beatles song...(that's a whole lot more than five!)

Rubby Ducky! (Kermit the frog)

The Scientist (Coldplay)

Our National Anthem

Happy Birthday to Yoouuuuuuuu!

(and many, more....) pun intended.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

Travel

Share with my love ones

Maybe move into something that's a little more like home.

Buy a cute purse and pair of shoes I wouldn't normally buy

Travel

Five things you would never wear again:

Hot Pants

Turtlenecks (those days are GONE!)

Shag haircut

Cinnamon pantyhose

Wigs (crossing fingers!)

Five favorite toys:

my daughter's Wii - bowling

Yahtzee

...okay, these are games. Guess I don't have any toys!...

My camera

Bubbles

Anybody else who wants to play, feel free... :)

School, sand, time, wine...

2007-06-17T21:46:00.000-07:00

It's mid-June already? Things are winding down at school. I said goodbye to my favorite student. I've know him since kindergarten and he has a very special place in my heart. He's off to middle school. A couple of great teachers retired this year, too. Time marches on, apparently. Two more weeks of work and I'm off for summer break. YAY! Don't know HOW I'll get it all done between now and then, but in 2 weeks time it won't much matter.

I seem to be struggling with how to manage my time. Seems I don't have enough of it to get it all done. I've had lots of thoughts I've wanted to work out in this journal but literally don't have the time to do it. The computer sits in the middle of the family room (well not actually in the MIDDLE, but you get the idea) so even if I DO have the time, it's not possible to gather my thoughts and write.

Maybe during my break? A whole month off... we'll see.

I just typed a whole lotta nothing. *yawn*

Don is well. Some changes going on at his work... Not sure how good that is. Kids are good, good. My girl is busy with school and work. She has finished her first year of college and has almost completed her summer session. WOW. How'd that happen so fast? The boy is working and every chance he gets, spends his time playing guitar and singing. And "hanging out". Broad term, Hanging Out. All the young people use it and requires no explanation. How come WE couldn't use that growing up?

Both kids are struggling with their relationships with their dad. That's a whole other post.

*sigh*

Laundry is spinning. The cat is sitting on the coffee table. I think hubby is heading for bed.....(yup, kiss goodnight) but I'm going into work a half hour later this week so I'm staying UP a half hour longer. Or more.

We had a beach house rented to share with some good friends. We've all been looking forward to this for obvious reasons. A beach house... niiiice. Also, we haven't all been together in many years (I've seen my girlfriend, but the kids haven't seen each other in 3 or 4 years and our hubbys have never met). Last week, my friend let me know that they have to cancel. They're dealing with some hardships right now and couldn't justify a vacation. I'm sad about that....

So, I've been busy working on Plan B. Today, I reserved a condo on the beach for us. Looks like we'll be taking our own family vacation. Hope the kids can have fun with the old folks!! (We really are lots of fun!) I'm looking forward to a relaxing getaway with our gang.

Yikes! I've got LISTS to write!

I can't close this without a photo...

We recently visited the "local" wine country. Here are a few shots along the way...

ho hum

2007-05-20T18:17:00.000-07:00

Where am I? I seem to be disappearing.... don't wanna do that. I like to keep in touch with you girls.

I'm uninspired. And I'm not just talking about writing in a blog. I'm ...uhhh... what AM I? I'm staring at a blinking cursor trying to come up with the right word.

Blah.

I'll post a picture and try to write again some other time.......

hey! i just noticed that it looks like there's a monkey in the top of the tree. do you see it?

Seattle smiles

2007-04-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

Spring break is over and it's back to reality. blehh... Today was jammin' busy and I have tons waiting for me at work tomorrow...and the next day and the next day.....

Oh, but our trip to Seattle was fab. The weather was nice...just rained a bit one day. The company was fabulous! We visited with Don's mom and spent quality time with the girl. My sis-in-law and her hubby are great. The put us up in their charming home and it's all fun and smiles and warm cozies.

This trip was special because Don and I each were able to meet up with friends. Don's buddy came over for dinner Friday evening and brought his bass and his amp. The two boys jammed and sang and it was a really good time. My brother-in-law grilled some awesome steak and sis and I mixed up some killer martinis. We sang and laughed and had a grand evening. It made me so happy and all googly to watch Don play his guitar and sing. He is damn GOOD! :-)

I had the pleasure of having lunch with 3 lovely ladies. I was so happy that we could spend some time together. Anne was lovely as ever and Emer is as CUTE as can BE! Our Angela is so sweet. Would you just LOOK at how beautiful her eyes are??? wow.
It was so nice to meet Ang and to spend time with Anne again. Can't wait for the next visit. Maybe next time Lori will join us. (I'm DYING to meet you, girl!!)

Check us out...

Love you, girls...Wish we could ALL meet!

hugs to all
xoxo

where i've been, what i've been doing, where i'm going...

2007-04-09T23:51:00.000-07:00

Around town...

Guess who?

weekend photos...

Leaving in 32 hours for the Emerald City. Reaaaalllly hoping to meet up with some special girls. Looking forward to good times with hubby and family and friends. Back with more photos soon.

Xs and Os to all :-)

I may not have mentioned it, but I feel loved...

2007-03-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

The other night, while lying in bed before sleep, I was thinking about something that I wanted to work out in my head. I thought I'd write about it here.

uhhhhhh....

Of course, now I can't remember wtf it was... sighhh. Can't remember shit for shit these days. I'm on overload. OverFLOW, more like it. blehh..

I feel so out of touch with my online friends. I miss you all. I read your blogs whenever I can. I wish we had more contact. time. time. Not enough time.

Let's see if I can run down on what's been going on since my last post....

~My new position at work... I've tried not to put in quite as many hours. It was really wearing me out to the point of exhaustion. I was physically and emotionally spent when I came home each night, and by Friday night I was about ruined. The last few weeks haven't been quite as grueling. I'm a little more caught up and I'm trying to work more reasonable hours. I was feeling a little better about things until earlier this week when more fan shit-hitting started all over again.

I have to remind myself to keep breathing and remember what's important.

What IS important? Ah, yes. My life. My family. World Peace. got it.

~The Race for the Cure was fabulous. My family and a couple of my best girls walked with me. My team raised $780!! The event brought in over $400,000. It was a lovely day and it seemed that everybody was happy to be there. It was a wonderful mix of women, men, children, families, dogs...It was a terrific experience and I plan to do it again next year. This is the sign my daughter wore. I was moved to tears when she excitedly showed me her little sign...

(In Celebration of My Mommy)

here's a small collage from the walk...

~Since I've been so busy with my job I find that, more than ever, my free time is spent with my family. I'm really enjoying it. We have so much fun together...playing games, eating, drinking, laughing.

~ The rest of the time I'm tired and crabby. :-/

~We're heading to Seattle in a few weeks and are planning a couple other short getaways in the next few months. Those are the times I live for. Some of my most favorite times are when Don and I are driving down the road with camera in tow; off on an adventure. Makes all the rest worthwhile.

When I find my memory and regain that sharp mind that was once mine, I'll letcha know.

Cheers & Sweet Dreams

February frenzy

2007-02-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

It's been an entire month since I've posted. All of my friends who have blogs are just as busy as I am. I can't imagine where you all find the time when I just can't!

I think of all of you often...I hope you know that. I don't want you to forget me. Selfish? maybe, but that's why I'm here now. .

What to say?

sighhh...

I'm well. My family is well.

The changes at school have been a challenge. I stepped forward and found myself "promoted". Now, this was not forced upon me. I made the decision to accept the challenge. I took the tests. Sat before the panel. Endured the interviews. I thought it was a door opening...a good solution for my dilemma.

I'm a bit disheartened. The changes haven't been what I thought they would be. At the same moment I was offered the job, I learned my pay wouldn't be what I'd expected. Somehow, I was misinformed about how the change in position would affect my pay. I guess it shouldn't matter so much but I thought it would make life a bit easier. Take the edge off? I thought we'd finally be able to save some for travel. Or a rainy day. Or something.......

I'm in a position with a lot more responsibility and questioning if it's worth it. The stress level is high. This job is insane. So many little details to learn (with absolutely NO training) and so many people depending on me. I've worked at this school since the day it opened. I knew everything about my job. I was comfortable and confident and I never took home the stress of the day no matter what kind of day it was. Now, I've simply moved to another desk and suddenly I'm starting all over. I feel like the new girl, only I'm not. I'm managing the office while training the others with nobody there to train ME. I feel out of control and overwhelmed. Howver, it HAS been just over a month. The staff is very appreciative and I still have the comfort of familiarity. I know in the grand scheme of things, this isn't important. I'll survive. Hopefully, it'll get better over time.

I just don't feel like there are enough hours in the day. Does anybody else feel this way? I just can't fit it all in. Work. Chores. Fun. Relaxation. Can't do it all...

How do YOU fit it all in?

words and pictures

2007-01-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

Where does the time go?? If January is any indication, this year is going to fly by. I'd better make sure I stop and smell the roses and the coffee and the rain whenever I can. Which I do. It's what comes in between the stopping and smelling that makes my head spin.

We celebrated our 2nd anniversary last week. Two years! You'd think I'd say how time has flown. Two years already? But really, it feels much longer than 2 years. We spent what felt like a very long time doing the distance. Of course, there have been so many events and changes in our lives since we've been sharing our lives here together. The card I gave Don said something about forever not being long enough to spend together. We so enjoy our time together......

Our trip to the wine country was so much fun!! We stayed in Carmel our first night. We drove down the coast a bit to see the awesome beauty of Big Sur. We didn't know we'd have time to fit this in...it was a real bonus. Driving the windy coast, looking out at the view....breathtaking. We made our first stop at the first viewpoint and made our way over toward the edge and looked out at the view. I'm telling you, my breath caught and tears came to my eyes. The photos don't capture what the eye does...but here's a look.

We had WAY too much fun in the Wine Country.

This was our first stay in a Bed & Breakfast and we loved it. The innkeeper was a hoot! Don said she reminded him of Disney character...something out of Mary Poppins! She was all round and cheerful and welcoming. Our room was homey and spacious and charming. It was decorated in rustic French Country sort of thing. (No wallpaper!) They supplied the bear.

(I can't believe I'm posting this picture!)

We visited lots of wineries, drank lovely wine ( and some not as lovely ;-) )and ate delicious food.

We explored and chatted and laughed and laughed...

Here we are, young and in love, at our special anniversary meal. We ate at a romantic spot with a view to die for, melt in your mouth food, where we were waited on hand in foot with no pretension...just wonderful.

We LOVE to travel. Wish we could do more of it. I enjoy every little moment of every getaway. Makes all the rest worthwhile.

*sighhh*

It's a whole new year...

2007-01-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

Happy Nucking Few Year! 2007 - I'm deciding this will be a good year. So far, so good. I guess I'm off to a good start.

Christmas was lovely...and I am realllly enjoying this winter break. Things were so hectic preceding the holiday, and now just having the time to do as I please is just too good. We've attended several parties, visited the zoo and shopped 'til I dropped. I had a quickie girls getaway that was WAY fun! I'm getting car stuff and bank stuff and stuff stuff taken care of and I still have 3 more days off before heading back to work. (can't even THINK about work. so much going on there. ugh.)

I generally don't see a lot of movies. I've seen 3 this week! (Really, only 1 that I wanted to see.) Don's girl was with us for a week. We took her to Charlotte's Web (that pig was aDORable!) and Santa Clause 3. Last evening I saw the Holiday. LOVED it. Great chick flick...

This month we'll be celebrating our 2nd anniversary! We have a lovely trip to the wine country planned. Can't wait. :-)

Next month we'll be participating in the Race for the Cure. It's an event sponsored by the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. I've just registered and started a team and have already received donations from friends and family. It's incredibly amazing. I'm honored and humbled and grateful for the love and support I have.

2007 - here we come!!

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T22:15:00.000-08:00

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday filled with love and joy...

Time goes by

2006-12-06T22:13:00.000-08:00

I know..I know.. I've disappeared again. I don't see how people (like myself!) work full time and find the time to have a life and the time to write in their online journal. (I hate to use the word "blog" like it's a verb, or something. I'm old-fashioned that way, I guess. Or in denial)

No time now, either. Thanks for checking in, E. :-)
Quick version:
I survived Thanksgiving. Remind me next year NOT to have it again? Please?? LAST year, I'm quite certain I said the same thing. I've been cooking Thanksgiving for the family since, well, for the last 20 years or so. The thrill is GONE. I am OVER it. Next year, if the kids have nowhere to go, I'll make a small birdie and some stuffing and some pie and we'll drink wine and coffee and eat 'til we burst. Just we 4. Otherwise, I'm leaving town! I'm just over it, okay?

Now, on to Christmas. I am SO NOT READY! There is a lovely new wreath on my door and a cute new door mat with a snowman greeting us as we wipe our feet. The rest of "Christmas" is in boxes in my entryway. And don't even ASK me about presents. I've bought just a few but, really, how will I get it done?

And then there's the job. Well first there was 3. My girls and me. My other half left a couple of months ago. Now, our "new" office manager is leaving. Alrighty, then. I am pretty sure a door is opening. It involves the compromise I've wanted, but adds stress to the mix. Time will tell...I'll keep you posted. Or not. You know I'm not very reliable when it comes to writing entries in my online journal (because you know I don't "blog").

...took this today on my way home from work. pretty :-)

the high road

2006-11-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

"A child is connected to a parent on a cellular level, carrying a piece of each parent with them 24/7. If you say something bad about my parent, you're also saying something bad about me."
"If there is one piece of advice I'd give to divorced/divorcing parents- keep your feelings about your ex-spouse out of the conversations with your children- no matter how old they are."

When I read this entry in Lori's blog it stirred up all kinds of feelings of guilt. (Like I don't have enough of that already, when it comes to my kids and my marriage to their dad??)

I don't really know where to begin. The beginning? Better not..it would be a novel. Besides, I don't have it in me.

My ex-husband is a complicated man. (On the positive side, he is smart, artistic and articulate and has a great sense of humor.) He is, I think, manic depressive and has narcissistic tendencies. He doesn't know this. He thinks he's fine. He thinks he works harder than anybody on the planet, has more responsibilities than anybody on the planet and he pretty much thinks he is always right. He seems to have an aversion for other people's joy. He can make people feel very uncomfortable around him; he can set the mood in the room. What he does best, though, is insult. He can make people, especially those he "loves", feel like a disappointment or a failure and inferior. I noticed this first when we were dating. I was dismayed when I saw the way he sometimes talked to his mom. It was shocking. Years later, I realized I'd become accustomed to his ways. Not accepting, just accustomed. We argued continuously, because I didn't want him to think he could go around treating his loved ones that way...I ESPECIALLY did NOT want my children to think that HIS was an example of how people who love one another treat each other. It was exhausting......it was my life.

Fast-forward to the days following the divorce. (I'm not going to get into the fact that I'm consumed with regret because I took so long to finally get TO it and file for divorce. If only I'd done it sooner. Maybe my kids and I would be less fucked up??) The kids said they didn't want us to divorce and couldn't understand WHY we were divorcing. Their dad made sure to tell them that HE didn't want the divorce..it was their mother who was the one who wanted it. (Like he was the innocent party? come ON) When I talked to the kids, I explained I never wanted to divorce. I wanted to stay married to their dad and that was why I tried for so long to make it work. I told them that it wasn't just me. The kids could see (they readily admitted it) that their dad and I weren't happy together and that, simply, we fought all the time. I told them that BOTH of us needed to divorce. Their dad just wasn't willing to admit his part in it.

So, it began..I suppose. I truly always believed that divorcing and divorced parents should keep the kids OUT of the ugly stuff and not share their negative feelings about their exes with the children. Of course, their father had no problem putting me down, insulting me, belittling me, contradicting me and showing a complete lack of support of who I was, during our entire marriage. (Ironically, he doesn't often speak about me when I'm not around. Interesting) Yet, I was supposed to and really had every intention of taking the high road and speaking about their dad only when I had something kind to say. This is an almost impossible task. He continues to treat his children in a way that makes me sick to my stomach. I was able to divorce him. The kids can't. How can I stay quiet when I see how he hurts them?

My daughter has chosen, for now, her own separation. She doesn't live with him anymore. They speak on the phone when she calls him. They see each other rarely - and briefly when they do. (He didn't attend her High School Graduation! - just a small example, yet he blames HER for their estrangement.) Just as I did, she simply came to a point where she didn't want to take his crap anymore.

My son? Well, he puts up with it. He feels sorry for his dad. He feels an obligation to him. He thinks his dad's actions are forgivable. He doesn't spend a lot of time with his dad, but they still have a relationship. We (my son and I) have had several conversations on the subject. These conversations are intelligent but sometimes emotional and have sometimes gotten out of control.

So much is left unsaid here. I love my children with all my being. More than anything, I want them to be happy. I want them to lead happy, productive, healthy lives. They're not exactly headed in that direction today. They are really terrific people. I hope they find their way....

The years we spent raising our kids together are over. My children are now adults. The influence their dad and I have on them is ongoing. I blame myself for the damage that was done because I stayed too long. I should have left him and taken the children when they were young. I knew things would never get better. Of course they only became a whole lot worse. It's just so sad...

Sighh...
I started writing this 6 days ago...It's just become a pointless ramble. I've written in bits and pieces and it doesn't really say what I meant to say at all.

But here it is....

What's normal anyway?

2006-10-22T19:50:00.000-07:00

My test results came back negative. That would be normal. (Normal, according to THEM, of course!) Thanks for asking...feels good to know you're thinking of me and sending your positive vibes! :-)

I've had lots I've wanted to write about but I haven't had a moments time to sit down to type. I suppose if I gave up sleeping (like some of you have...lol) I could make the time to write. It's not that I enjoy sleeping so much, but the time in bed with my hubby. It's really the best part of my day. I'm having a little issue with stress. When I say little, I mean huge. At night, with the window cracked with the little bit of light easing the darkness and the quiet and the sheets and just us, I can let go of some of the stress and just be.

Life is the strangest thing. We take it and make it our own and each of us does this so differently. We are largely a product of how we grew up and our life experiences along the way. Even if we don't want to be, we can't help but behave the way we were taught when we were young. We grow. Learn. Make mistakes. It takes us the rest of our adult lives to figure out how to improve what we lack and sometimes to simply discover what's good.

I'm constantly analyzing and agonizing over the way I am now and why I'm the way I am now and how I can improve upon the way I am now. In most ways, it's just plain obvious to me what I'm doing wrong. Changing those things? Another story.... I'm skeptical. While I am looking forward to counseling (if I can get my insurance figured out and find somebody I feel comfortable with), I realize that what I'm expecting isn't healing. I look forward to having somebody I can vent to, an ear for my rants, without feeling guilty or intrusive. I'll be paying somebody trained to listen and for that, I'll be thankful. I'm not expecting therapy to actually HELP me, though. wierd. I was talking about this recently with a friend of mine and her cousin who happens to be a therapist. (on the other side of the country) I hadn't actually realized it until I said it outloud. I'm just so used to feeling the way I do, behaving the way I do, just being who I AM that I can't begin to imagine being...better. Healthier. Happier.

Most of the situations that cause stress and feelings of depression are out of my control. I can't change them. What I CAN do, of course, is learn to deal with it all. I CAN change the way I carry on. I don't know where or how to begin.

Have you had your mammo lately??

2006-10-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

I rather like October. It's fall. The air feels different. Leaves are changing. Ok, well, as much as they can in this area of the world. I always say that we don't really have seasons here...just summer and something colder than summer. But it does feel like fall and I like that. It's a nostalgic time of year. The older I get, the more I can feel the seasons in the pit of my soul. yeah.

But it's October and it's Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Every grocery store and department store and probably just about every company in America has some sort of offer to support the cause. Offers from m & m's and Estee Lauder and Coach and Brighton, just to name a few. It's become a giant commercial circus, but it's okay with me. Every dollar that's raised for cancer research and the awareness that sends women to the big boob-squishing machine is worth the sometimes tacky commercialism of October.

Cancer, mine especially, has been on my mind a lot lately. Not exactly sure why. (could it be that there are pink ribbons in my face everywhere I go? or because I have tests this week?) Whatever it is, I'm generally more optimistic than last year and I'll just take it a day at a time.

I didn't want this post to be all about pink ribbons and BC; I haven't written in such a long while. I've certainly got lots more to say. But, I'll close. again. Perhaps I'll feel inspired another day.

Hugs to all my friends out there....

Days

2006-09-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

It was a full weekend! Busier than I prefer, but really worth every minute.

Friday evening, we celebrated my boy's birthday. We had great fun!

Our chef was particularly entertaining. He ooohed and ahhhed us with his skillful use of cutlery and fire! He made a volcano out of an onion and sliced and diced with lightening speed. The food was delicious, as were the drinks. The best part of the evening,though, was the smiles it brought to us. You can almost see them, yes??

Saturday afternoon? Tea! A friend decided to retire from teaching this year and we girls thought Afternoon Tea would be a fitting celebration. We had a blast! There's a hotel in the BIG city that's been serving Tea for something like 5 million years. The setting was lovely, the service was superb (haha! I typed suburb!) and the tea and treats were beyond yummy! We sat and munched and talked and laughed for hours. We snooped around the hotel and took funny pictures. What a pleasant day!

Sunday we participated in a local charity event. It was a 3rd annual walk put on by a foundation that is near and dear to me. The event was uplifting and heartwarming. Remember to hug your loved ones today...especially your little ones. It'll make you feel better and you'll be so glad you did.
<--this little logo is copyrighted. thankyou.

this/that

2006-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

~Last night I learned that my best friend and co-worker and the 2nd of our 3 musketeers will be moving on to better things and leaving me alone (so-to-speak). I feel like my heart is broken. More on that later. sighhh.....

~Tonight for dinner we had tri-tip and roasted potatoes with Chardonnay. Really, now...what were we thinking???

~We're OUT of wine. Not a drop in the house. (which explains the white wine-beef and potatoes pairing.)

~tomorrow? Bev-Mo! or Costco! or Trader Joe's!

~I HATE health insurance companies. They control our lives and our health care and take our money. I hate the phone menus and the insulting customer service they provide. I hate the HMO bullshit.

~Thanks to an idea put in my head by RG, I bought a pair of shoes on eBay. I sure hope they fit.

~My baby boy turns 22 on Saturday. I can remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. (okay, not yesterday but i can't believe it was twenty two years ago)...and the toddler years (SO sweet!)..and the school-aged years. He's a young man now, still discovering and growing. I love him with all my heart, like only a mom can love a son. Happy Birthday, sweet boy. May you find happiness in all your journeys....

What is WRONG with people?

2006-08-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

We're back at work...haven't yet opened school and we have a situation that's really ugly. At some point at the end of the last school year, the teachers were given a survey (the teachers only, not the rest of the staff) asking them to rate our principal (OP). It had 30 or 40 questions with answers being Agree/Agree Strongly/ Disagree/Disagree Strongly. The questions were skewed, in my opinion. They had a negative feel to the way they were written, like they were asking for trouble. At the end of the survey there was an option to write in comments. The results were then mailed to the teachers. Not to OP, but to the teachers. Comments, and all.

I was shocked to read the results of the survey. The answers to the questions were not very favorable. But the hand-written comments were deplorable. There was just 1 positive comment and about 25 negative. The comments were malicious and mean spirited and hurtful. None were the least bit constructive. And they were mailed for all the teachers to see! What? What good can come of that??

OP was devastated. Upon learning of the survey, she had a horrible night and came in to work in the morning and handed in her resignation. . . Her supervisor wouldn't accept it. Now OP has decided to stay the year. Try to remain professional and see if she can "make a difference" before she leaves. I'm proud of her for the way she's handling all this. This little survey will change the course of her life...

I am friends with all the staff. Our school feels like family. Like home. As a whole, we love and support each other, with a very few exceptions here and there. I can't imagine who wrote these things and why? Constructive criticism is a good thing. Why be hurtful and demeaning? It's set the mood and I don't like it. I plan to make it a good year. We'll all work together like we always do. We'll rise above all the garbage and behave like adults. (well, sometimes..lol) It's the kids we're all there for. I can't wait to see them all fresh from summer vacation, an inch or two taller and ready to face another year...

Oh, and if anybody is still reading...I love youse guys!

Blog blah

2006-08-08T18:30:00.000-07:00

Ah...back home after a restful vacation. Here's a picture of my hotel room...

Fooled Ya'!

Here's a picture of my hospital room! I had my surgery at a new hospital in town. Schmancy, isn't it? The floors were carpeted and the TV was in an armoire and the furniture was, well, furniture! Velour couch and chairs, glass topped coffee and accent tables. The hospital lobby looked like a lobby in a nice hotel... With fresh coffee and teas and donuts and juices, set out specifically to torture those of us who were having surgery! Had I stayed long enough, they would have provided meals for my family as well as myself. It's a new wave in health care, I suppose. Apparently, the surgical facilities are state of the art. Cutting edge. In case you were wondering.

Life's been sorta weird lately. Don's working on a huge project which means he's basically been home only to sleep. He had the luxury of taking a day off, only to watch ME sleep. ironic. I've got just this one last week before heading back to work and I can't do the things I'd like. I'm reminded with an "owwwch" when I try. :-\

*edited* If anyone was looking, I'd written here a blurb about blogging. I mentioned that I'm thinking about dropping this blog. :shrug: I'm having a sleepless night and decided to have a look at this again. When I re-read it, I realize it reads ... umm... crappy. Unkindly, maybe even offensive. Uck...That's not how I meant to sound at all....So, it's gone. poof..

So, I'll leave it at this-- I really enjoy my online friendships and don't want to give them up. Yet, if I stop blogging... I dunno. I guess I can go back to writing a line or two in the comment boxes. I just don't always feel inspired to respond. Not that the writers aren't inspiring, *I'm* just uninspired. I really enjoy reading my friends' blogs. I just don't enjoy the obligation to comment.

I think Gayle needs a little fresh air....she's sounding a bit stale. bleh....

Lazy(?) days of summer

2006-08-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

this space saved for something witty, profound and entertaining.

[******]
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Aghchhhhkkkhhhhhhhhhhh....! A? That IS me. I....oh geezo, I must be old! This was taken by Don in the days of our dating. Circa 2002. My, how the years have changed me, huh? Maybe I'll put up a new one and you can gawk at the BIG diff!

Laughed out loud at Mel's comment, though... :-D

Ho hum... Remember when you were young and summer vacation seemed like forEVER?? yeah. Well, this summer break has been BY FAR the quickest in my life. July flew by and I can't remember a darn thing I did! I had plans planned and accomplishments to accomplish. Now it's August and next thing you know I'm heading back to work. grumble...

Friday I'm having surgery, so I have that to look forward to... (unrelated to last year's world of fun, but it's surgery none-the-less and I'd much rather go to the beach or something) shitmumblegrumble.... We'd all made plans to visit some friends in Northern Ca next week. ALL of us--Don and the kids and yours truly. Now, it's unlikely. damn... Then, the next thing I know, I'm back at my desk at work. With that NEW office manager! grumblesomemore...

Maybe I can use this last little bit of time to work on my attitude adjustment!?

Let's see. Guess I should think a little harder. What HAVE I done with the time?

I'm 92% finished with a filing cabinet project that's been hanging over my head.
I went through a blur of appointments of some kind, or another. Physical therapy for my neck/back that I'd like to think is helping but as I'm typing with an aching back I'm not so sure.
I made exactly one trip to the beach with a buncha magazines, lunch and a girlfriend. It was brief but lovely.
I've spent some very enjoyable quality moments with my kids.
Read a book or two...
Don and I walk every evening ... some of those evening walks take us to our new outdoor mall. They have jazz some nights and it's just so lovely to sit out in the courtyard with my sweetie listening to the music. We try to catch local live music whenever we can and during the summer months it's easy to find a place to sit outside and enjoy some music.
Last weekend, we were adventurous old folks and went dancing. We didn't break a hip or anything! It was a great bar, with quite a mix of people. The music was fun and the people watching was at it's finest!

Okay, so maybe it wasn't so bad. But it WAS fast! Today, I baked a banana bread and ran some errands and did some laundry and met some friends for a quick bite.

And I just took this. The older version of me. Circa 5 minutes ago. Isn't my cat CUTE???

thoughts on mortality

2006-07-20T22:02:00.000-07:00

I was moved by something I read recently. It was written by a friend. (not mentioning any names, but she lives in a little yellow house on a corner and has an obsession with a certain fall holiday.) She wrote about mortality. Hers. Her husband's. How they effect one another. I find her attitude inspiring. She's got such a realistic view, without dwelling on the negative. I really ought to read and re-read her message. Often and each day, so that perhaps I might absorb some of that optimism into my soul...

Hubby and I were talking the other evening. We were reminiscing about something-or-other from the recent past. I recall those days from a new perspective. It seems I've set up a divider. Before the big C and after. I think about the woman before and she's not me. Okay...she's me, but not the me I am now. I know we all change...we grow as days go by. But something profound has changed within me. I know it. I feel it. It's there. Don says he doesn't see the change. I appear to him the same as before. He asked me how I feel different...? Since he can't see a change, can I tell him what's different..?

*shrug*

He asked if it was fear...? NO!

hmmm...no?

I thought for a long moment and the realization came hard and hit me in the brain. YES! Fear. That's it! sighhh... It's with me always and fear is what's changed me. It's not as though I go through my days waiting for a bomb to drop. It's more of a deep in the gut, simmering fear.

Then he asked what do I fear...? (jeeeez!) Easy. I fear leaving too soon.

I know..I know... we go when it's our time to go, but.... well. My friend Gretchen left too soon. Still young with so many who loved her and needed her guidance. How could it possibly have been her time?? I don't want to leave too soon...like she did. My hubby tells me anytime before I'm 100 is too soon.

Don wonders why I didn't get the memo for people who have had experiences like mine where they come out of it with a whole new understanding and appreciation of life. lol...we had a giggle about it. I have that appreciation of life. I am thankful for each new day. I no longer have that careless feeling of naivete.. that I'll be around for a very long time. Of course, none of us knows when our time will come. I could very well be around for that very long time. (well looky here. even as i type it, i'm shaking my head.)

My friend also talked about meeting the love of her life later in life. Yeah. Her words were so perfect. In my own words...it's not about puppies and baby strollers and all those firsts you have together when you're 20something and starting your life with someone. We're moving into fogeydome. We have our firsts, but they are quite different. We're thankful we found each other and plan to try to make the most of all of our moments.

And... this time in her words, "We know we're mortal and we're both grateful that we GET to grow old together--however that long is."

amen.

School's out for summer...

2006-07-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

I've just returned from our trip to Seattle and back. It was an enjoyable time, but didn't really feel like a "vacation". I love Seattle and love spending time with the family. It's just that this time, we had only a couple of days and those days were filled with errands and tasks....
We saw an awesome fireworks show and we did see a movie. Click. Don't see it! painful...

Don's mom bought a new car and decided to give Don her old one. It's a Ford from the 90s driven by the little old lady from Redmond. It's got about 30,000 miles on it, compared to Don's Subie with about 200 something thousand miles. It's clean, runs well, blah blah blah. I'm very thankful to her. Saves us a buncha money. I have big-time mixed feelings about it, however. I feel like a little kid, getting hand-me-downs from Mom 'cause I can't make my own way. Makes me feel uncomfortable and it's a little humiliating. Plus, this is an old fogie car. I really like my car. Ironically, the car I'd gotten rid of and drove for 10 years that I never liked that my ex-husband picked out was the very same car Don's driving now. It doesn't make sense to get rid of it, because for the same money we'd only find an older crappier car with more mileage. blehhhh...

That big long ramble leads us to our drive home. It was lovely. There are some beautiful sights between Seattle and here. We didn't take the coast, which would have been fabulous if we'd had the time. We stayed one night at a Motel 6 in Weed, CA. It's a small forresty town that's watched over by Mt. Shasta. The coffee shop where we had dinner carried all kinds of souvenirs announcing "Get High in Weed". Corny. And this sign:
We visited San Francisco and stayed the night there before heading home.

Look at our hotel lobby. Isn't it great?

You've probably seen this before...

So, anyhoo. I'm home...With 6 weeks or so to refresh and renew. Hopefully, we'll take a quick weekend or two away. Other than that, I plan to clean a closet or three and throw away stuff...anything that's not nailed down or required for living. I think I'll drag in the dumpster and just fill it up. I feel like getting rid of the old so I can bring in the new. I'll let you know how that goes!

fun with the camera

2006-06-26T18:06:00.000-07:00

sea tac terminal
on the road in montana

mount st. helens from the air

poppies
cake :-p
Moon at the mall
cocktail
these trees posed for me just yesterday...:-)

more of the same

2006-06-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm all over the place these days. I've just been so distraught over the choices my girl is making, I can hardly think straight. I am spending all my energies trying to figure out why she's behaving the way she is. I'm trying to figure out why I've made the mistakes I've made, how they affect me today and how they've affected my children.

I'm convinced that I've set the worst example as a parent. The mistakes my kids are making are entirely MY fault. I stayed married to their dad far too long. (I shouldn't have married him in the first place...I knew I was making a mistake, but married him anyway. god...) The kids were witness to a horrible marriage. They were taught all the wrong messages about love and life and relationships. I always thought I was a good, loving mom...but really, I spent most of my marriage trying to defend myself against their dad's actions. In the simplest of terms, they watched their dad treat me like shit, while I defended myself in the hopes they would realize that it was WRONG to be that way. I wanted them to KNOW that what they were seeing WASN'T love. I wanted them to know it shouldn't be like this...

I'm rambling. It isn't at all possible that I could begin to describe that marriage in one post. It would take pages and pages to try to say what I'm feeling. sighh...I don't have it in me, anyway. It's just that I'm seeing her make the same mistakes I did. She's now chosen a boyfriend who is very much like her dad. It's just killing me to watch her in this toxic relationship. In her heart of hearts, she knows... What hurts me most is seeing her make the choice to stay with this boy, when she knows she deserves better.

Don and I have talked and talked and TALKED about my past, his past, the kids, our present and what it all means. I'm thankful to have his insights. I find it very helpful, because he comes from a different perspective. Our discussions about my daughter's relationship with her bf have lead to conversations about our relationships. During one of these discussions, Don mentioned that "we" were still new and still trying to figure out how we fit together. That idea just didn't sit well with me. I had to really think about it for awhile to figure out what it was that bothered me about that... I told him that I don't think of us as new. I think of us and just "us" and that it feels comfortable. I worried that if he felt we're still new, that meant he wasn't comfortable and maybe he'd discover something wrong? He explained that "comfortable" is almost "boring". He thinks that we're always discovering new things about each other and he finds that exciting. He says it's anything but boring and that he plans to try to keep it that way. What an interesting way of looking at it! It felt so good to hear it put that way. We are so very different, but we're enjoying our journey together -- And not for a moment do I take that for granted.

If I could just get rid of this feeling in the pit of my stomach....

amazing grace

2006-06-17T21:52:00.000-07:00

Graduation day has come and gone. It was a lovely ceremony with a bagpipe band and speeches and beach balls. Yes, beach balls. The graduates are stripped of all their worldly goods when they don their caps and gowns. Oh, the horrors! No cell phones. ANYway, every year some students manage to sneak in a beach ball or two to blow up and toss around during the ceremony. A little extra levity and a final prank as they say goodbye to high school and life as they knew it.

Her dad wasn't there, but Don and her brother and I were there to cheer her on. It was a tough day for her and I am so proud of her. She made it. Shining and beautiful! The day was bittersweet and filled with so much heartache.

...sighhh...

Decisions are being made and hearts and feelings are being tugged on and pulled and stretched to the limits. We, as a family, are going through some tough times right now.

I really have no control over my kids and their decisions, yet I continue to try to fix things. I try to make everyone happy. I continue to show my love and offer some wisdom through experience hoping to turn the lights on in their heads. I can't give it up. I know at some point, probably right about now, I have to realize my kids' lives are their own. It's time I realize that it's not up to me anymore to make their decisions, to show them the way. I just can't give it up. I know they need me and my guidance. They DO still come to me for advice, support, love... I am their confidant and advisor.

I can see the mistakes they're making and can see myself and the mistakes I've made. It tears me up inside to see them making these choices. I didn't have the guidance they have. I'm hoping and praying they'll learn and grow and realize what's good and true. All I can do is what I do best. Love them.

Asking myself...

2006-06-12T16:40:00.000-07:00

What have I accomplished in my life? What talents do I have? Have I helped others? What have I contributed to society? Have I learned from my mistakes? What would I leave behind if I were to leave today?

If I answer these questions myself the answers would be something like this...

What have I accomplished? sighhh...not much. Can I say that my only real accomplishment has been raising my son & daughter? That's not an accomplishment, is it? More on this later....

Talents? none. zippola... I can't sing, dance or play an instrument. I don't knit, sew or have a green thumb. I'm not a writer or a runner or an artist. bleh

Have I helped others? hmm..not on a grand scale. I suppose I've helped lots of little children in the course of my days at school. Nothing grand...

My contribution to society? *shrug*

Have I learned from my mistakes? YES, but I keep making them. gawd....

What would I leave behind? Not a phucking thing.....

I'm not where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. (who is, though?) I'm filled with regrets and am disappointed in myself for many reasons. I know I need to let go of the regrets. I know I should be thankful and grateful for my life and all I have. I am. I don't take life for granted. I am thankful for each new day...It's just that I'm feeling unaccomplished. Regretful. Unfulfilled maybe? As a result, I've become uninspired. I'm just not up for the kinds of hoopla I used to be. I find joy in little moments, yes. But the kinds of things that used to excite and motivate me now don't interest me much, or even worse, they stress me out.

However, I have loved and been loved. That's worth mentioning because it's worth so much in my life.

I need to sort out my fears, disappointments, regrets and desires and then look at them one by one. Maybe then I can begin to DO something about them and stop all this whining!

Here I am..

2006-06-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

Is anybody still checking in? I'm torn between pouring my heart out here and posting pictures and writing fluff. I've got lots of pouring to do. I have lots of pictures, but no real fluff. What to do? And how to make the time? There is no obligation to this blog on my part. I gave it life. I can take it away. I have a strong desire to keep it alive, but there just aren't enough hours in the day.
Sooo, explains my absence.

Where have I been and what have I been doing? The Montana trip was lovely. Good times spent with family and lots of time to relax and enjoy the scenery. Random observations include:

The traffic in Montana? none!
Casinos! (I had no idea...)
Everyone (okay, not EVERYone but several people) noticed that Don's ex-wife and I have similar hairstyles. So much so that one of my sis-in-laws thought I was the ex when she first saw me.
And my stepdaughter said "Your hair looks just like my mom's!" okaaayyyyy...
Lilacs. everywhere.
Everything is cheaper than in California.
Coeur D'Alene is lovely. (It's in Idaho, don'tchaknow) I look forward to visiting there someday.
I love to travel. If we can find a way, we'll find a way. We love to travel......

It's so different at work now. We've lost our rhythm and it's strained and stressy. I love the community and especially the children, but I don't think I love my job anymore. Maybe now is the time I look for something different... something that actually pays enough to live?

Big sighh... I'm thinking about it.

My girl went to prom a few days ago. She looked beautiful. The event wasn't without drama. The boyfriend situation is not improving. We have had a lot of communcation, my girl and I. I hope she'll realize what's good and true and move on. She graduates next week. omg....

Please, don't go away. I'll be back...........

:-)

We're off!

2006-05-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

Don's granddad lived to be 102! He was a really sharp fella with a great sense of humor and 100 years worth of stories to tell. He passed away last summer. We're having a memorial service for him in his hometown in Montana on Saturday. All of Granddad's family will be there.

So......off to Montanta we go - Don's hometown. He can't wait to show me around.
I'll be back next week with pictures to bore you ;-)

Take care of youse. Have a great weekend!

Mocha

2006-05-18T22:07:00.000-07:00

When she and Don first moved in here, Mocha hid for 5 days. Once she came out from hiding, Jack, the cat previously known as The Only Cat, hid for 6 months. Eventually they came to tolerate each other and Mocha became part of our family. She's been Don's constant companion for more than 14 years.

We said goodbye to her tonight. She was a sweet ball of fur and we'll sure miss her...

Keep the change

2006-05-12T20:53:00.000-07:00

Change. I've always thought of myself as one who welcomes change. New places. New people. New things. Change in direction. It's all good.

Or, is it?

I think I've realized otherwise. I like change as long as I'M the one who's in charge of it. If *I* decide it's time for a change, that's great! But when things change without my permission? When changes come along that I have no control over? I don't like it one bit.

My school opened 8 years ago and since that time it's been my happy little home. I've worked with two wonderful girls who are like family. DB and I have been friends since our kids were in 2nd & 3rd grade. SB, DB and I are a team. We work SO well together. We get the job done and have too much fun doing it! Another job opportunity came up and SB has left us. :-( She did what she had to do (and left kicking and screaming. if it wasn't for the pay increase and incredible potential, she'd never have left) and I'm very proud of her. But, I'm (we're) just miserable without her. Ugh. She was our office manager and ran the office so smoothly and efficiently with one hand tied behind her back and both eyes closed. Now, we're scrambling to get through each day. What account does this come out of? Will payroll get done and will the staff get paid?? How on EARTH did she do all of this???

I want things back the way they were.
*pout*

I've been so busy lately. Work is a mess and there's so much going on around here and I've been having too many sleepless nights. Well, not sleepless, but sleep-not-enough. I stare up at the ceiling. Toss and turn. Close my eyes and pretend...but I just can't sleep! My mind is on overload. It seems like I can think so much clearer at night like that. In the morning when I recall the night before, the thoughts are all mumbo jumbo. Scrambled brains.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I dreamed about Mom again last night. I was sooo happy to see her! sighhh.. I've been thinking of her a lot. I have lots of thoughts I need to sort out. I was going to do that here, but I'm not up for it tonight. I'm already looking forward to tomorrow morning's cuppa joe.
First, though, to get some sleep...

dreaming. thinking.

2006-05-03T20:49:00.000-07:00

I've been having some strange dreams lately. A coupla nights ago, I dreamt about a wedding. It was in a really large hall. Hundreds of people. I don't know who was getting married. I think my kids were in the wedding, as young kids - not as they are now. It was only inferred, but I know that I was concerned about them walking the aisle and all. But, what stands out most was the white haired, bearded, cigarette smoking rabbi who was officiating the ceremony. Huh?! I'm not sure what THAT was supposed to represent.... ideas??

Last night, though, I dreamt about Mom. We were in some faraway, unnamed country. We traveled there together, but right at the beginning of the dream she had to leave. She left before I did, and left me alone not knowing how to get home. In my dream I remember explaining to somebody that she didn't mean to leave me so soon and that I was sure she had good reason and would explain it to me later. Pretty obvious, I think. Leaving me too soon. . . leaving me to muddle through without her. sighh... I really miss her.

My dream then continued on with me being lost in a strange land. The most common thread in my dreams is that I'm lost, trying to find my way back to where I should be. That's the plot of most of my dreams. Different people and places, but I usually somehow get lost and spend the rest of the dream unsuccessfully making my way back.

Life is a series of stressors these days. We all have stress in our lives. It's how we deal with it that makes the difference. I've got to learn to deal....not doing a good job at it. I worry about my kids, first and foremost. Lots of good reasons why. My job is stressful right now. My job, where I've always been content and felt comfy. My doctor appointment is looming...just a few weeks away. I start to fret a bit as it gets closer. I spend so much of my time thinking. Dreaming about the Way it Should Be. Or will be. My mind is on overload, overthinker that I am. I'm grateful that I can usually sleep at night.

I need to make a list. Things Gayle Should Do To Improve Her Outlook Thereby Improving Her Life.

maybe tomorrow....

one of those lists i thought i'd never do

2006-04-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

Since I have so much to say, but never seem to find the time to post about it...
I'll cop out (do people say that anymore?) and do this:
-borrowed from E & RG-

I AM: uhh...already having trouble with this first one!
I WANT: to travel more
I WISH: i could sing. i mean, really sing
I HATE: that i can't always do the things for the kids that i'd like to do
I MISS: my mom
I FEAR: leaving my family too soon
I HEAR: the birdies chirping outside my window right now
I WONDER: what the future holds. i really do.
I REGRET: so much. i know it's unhealthy, but...
I AM NOT: Billy Crystal's character in Monster's Inc
I DANCE: in the kitchen with my hubs
I SING: badly. sometimes in harmony (badly) with my hubs
I CRY: from sadness too often
I AM NOT ALWAYS: sure what to make for dinner
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: magic, according to you-know-who
I WRITE: easily, when it's for myself
I CONFUSE: these two boys at school. they are not related and look exactly alike!
I NEED: to let go of my regrets
I SHOULD: get more organized
I START: to do something and then forget. :-/
I FINISH: tasks on time at work, but not at home...
I TAG: nobody!

Waves

2006-04-15T22:34:00.000-07:00

Back home after a perfectly wonderful getaway. My brain is racing in all directions and I'm uberoverwhelmed with it all. It felt so good to not have to THINK for a few days. Which wine should we order? Should we walk this way, or that along the beach? Ahh, it felt a relief really.

I snapped hundreds of pictures. The drive was so scenic. Colorful.
A treat to the eyes and mind.

The setting when we arrived was lovely beyond words....

It was cloudy and cool but we were grateful it wasn't raining so we could walk the beach without getting soaked. (and without getting my camera wet. heaven forbid!) We found ourselves hypnotized by the ocean. You know how that is? It's like staring into a campfire... only not. The rhythm of the waves crashing on the rocks and the way they make patterns on the beach as they go in and back out again......

We ate and drank. We walked and explored. We visited wineries and just had a blast! It was relaxing and renewing and really, really fun to be away from it all. I needed the escape.

The kids and cats were just fine this time, but coming home still had its usual dose of reality. This week will be a difficult one at work. I'll write more about that later. Also, I got some sad news about a friend...One of our teachers just learned she has cancer - quite advanced. I'm so sad and scared for her. I know what she's facing now, and I want so much to tell her everything is going to be okay. I'll tell her that. I hope it will be...

An adventure!

2006-04-11T22:54:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning we hit the road and head to beautiful Cambria and Moonstone Beach. Rain is forecasted for all 3 days, which could really put a damper on the hiking and exploring that is a must-do in Cambria. I'm the lover of rain, so I guess I shouldn't complain... We'll visit the wineries and walk the beach when there are breaks in the rain. It's just so beautiful and peaceful there. There's a slow pace about things and the beauty of the ocean just revives you. I'm looking forward to capturing some of that beauty with my new camera.

The last time Don and I had an adventure, we were in Lake Tahoe. We had a most glorious time. Meanwhile back home all hell was breaking loose... My daughter and her dad were hitting crisis mode. This situation stressed out my son, along with the overflowing toilet flood. Reality smacked us in the face as soon as we returned. I fear the same thing brewing with this outing.
*heavy sighhh*

But, here we are...all packed and ready to go. We'll just sleep on it and we're off!

We shall return. With pictures. :-)

I kind of figured this would happen...

2006-04-08T23:11:00.001-07:00

Writer's block. or something like that.

I have a journal.. a personal blog that I started when the shit hit the fan a little over a year ago. I wanted a blog that was just for me. I offered my husband the link, but he never read it. He felt it was my own place and wanted me to keep it that way. When I was writing for no one but myself, the words would flow easily. I could write easily about whatever was in my head. I was writing just for me, but sometimes wanted to share bits and pieces of it.

Now, I've started this blog and already I've nothing to say. Much of what's in my head revolves around my family. My children don't "get" my online friendships and would feel betrayed if I were to write about them here. But it's not just that. For some reason, just knowing somebody might be reading, I'm speechless. (not that ANYbody is probably reading...I sent invites to several friends who haven't popped by. ho hum)

Last week Don told me he read my blog. He told me it was everything he loves about me. He told me that it made him laugh and brought tears. He said I was brilliant and funny. (Imagine that!) I haven't written a word since.

I amVERY excited, though. I have a new camera. :-) Pictures to follow....

okay, maybe one now.

Rain and a cloud

2006-03-28T16:18:00.000-08:00

It's perfectly beautiful outside today. It's raining as I type this. It was pouring down big drops from the sky as I drove home today. I had an appt for a pedicure, but cancelled it because I couldn't bear to have bare feet on such a cozy evening. All I wanted was to get in my comfy clothes and put slippers on my feet. It's late March and we're still having rain. We can have many months without rain - sometimes a good part of a year - so, I'm enjoying every last drop.

I think I'll bake something.

-----

I'm borrowing this idea from a friend's blog. (*Waving* "Hi friend! I miss you..")
It's funny how this "word cloud" conveys my thoughts. My friend's cloud was so... HER. And mine is, too. Me, I mean. It's only words, but sort of paints a picture don't you think?

Where did I put my glasses?

2006-03-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

I pulled a muscle in my back while making love this morning.

oy...

I'm using a "firming" creme on my face every night after I wash. I have more grey hair than ever. And, I can't seem to remember where I put anything or, for that matter, I can't usually remember what I'm trying to remember. I need glasses to read and glasses to watch tv. Next thing you know, I'm in bi-focals. Ohforchrissakes...

Aging is a weird thing. It seemed to have hit me all of the sudden. When I was younger, the whole getting old thing just seemed so far off. Must've sneaked up on me when I wasn't paying attention.

I'm too young to be old, you know? Yet, I am simply glad to be here. I'm thrilled to have hair that needs to be colored. I'm thankful they sell that firming crap to people like me, so my skin looks younger. (shut up. it DOES look younger.) And, I'm having sex! Who cares if it causes injury!?

I am never going to think of myself as an old person. Until I'm 100. Then, I'll be proud to be old! In the meantime, I'm filling my moments the best I can. I seem to vacillate between feeling totally stressed and pure enjoyment. Right now it all feels good. Most times, lately, I'm stressed and depressed. I've got to sort it all out and make it all right. I'm still a work in progress. How can I be old? I've so much more to do.......

A little bit of paradise is good for the soul...

2006-03-20T21:15:00.000-08:00

Spent the weekend with girlfriends who are like sisters. It was renewing and fun and just a really, really good time....

come a long way...

2006-03-16T14:11:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of my surgery. It's been almost 15 months since diagnosis, but this anniversary feels like a milestone. Last year at this time the shit was really hitting the fan. I'm so grateful to be where I am now. This is a much better place...

here is a little bit from my journal as i was anticipating my surgery and upcoming treatment:

16 hours.

this is a most sickening feeling - awaiting surgery that will change my life. don reminds me that it will save it. it's amazing how it doesn't feel that way at ALL. i'm fine. a perfectly healthy, self-sufficient, no-pain, functioning person. but come tomorrow, i'll be all kinds of messed up with a missing body part and months and months of crappy treatments to endure...i don't want any of this. i haven't suffered enough? i'm not allowed my happiness now, at long last, after all i've been through??

oh, and the timing. really, now. mom's in her final days and i'm going through this. at what stage in my treatment will that day come? will i be able to go to the funeral?

there is this deep down feeling of dread and fear that washes over me, unexpectedly, now and again. :-( i know i'm supposed to have a positive attitude. everyfuckingbody tells me how important that is. okay. i'm positive this sucks.

get me to the other side...please. swiftly, safely, without any complications. please.

i want to enjoy my kids and live my happily every after with my sweet husband. . .

Well, I DID make it to the other side. Maybe not swiftly, but with few complications. My life isn't all about doctor appts. I've ditched the wig for a good. My life is changed forever, yet feels like my own again.

And every day that passes I feel a little more confident about my happily ever after... :-)

Na na na na na na You Say It's Your Birthday...

2006-03-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

We're gonna have a good time!

Happy Birthday to my sweet husband...

I sure missed him this weekend. Ahhh, but the reunion...

I'm looking forward to our date tonight. That's what I like best about birthdays. They're a good excuse to do something special. Dinner in. Dinner out. Drinks. Dress up. Dress down. Tonight, we're going out. I love going out with the man. We sit together on the same side of the booth. We kiss and whisper and snuggle and giggle. It's nauseating, really...but this is the kind of relationship I'd only dreamed of. It is so satisfying to feel completely comfortable in our love. We're a couple. A partnership. A friendship. A love affair. In my first marriage, I never felt like my husband and I were a couple. We lived together. We had children together. But mostly we were miserable. Sighh...but that's a whole other post!

Cheers! and.. Happy Birthday Don! May we celebrate many, many more together.....

Coffee and sunsets

2006-03-12T18:12:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday afternoon, I just brewed a fresh batch of coffee, I'm home all alone and it's raining. What better time to start my first official blog entry?

I'm not exactly sure how I'll be as a blogger. I'm used to having my own personal journal where I can write whatever is in my head. No filter. Lots of swearing. You know...

I'm not sure if I'll post often or rarely. I am pretty sure it'll be trivial and boring. But not today...
Today I'm alone because my hubby is up in Seattle visiting his daughter. We're separated from her since the hubs moved down here nearly 2 years ago to live with and marry the love of his life. (me!) Generally, she flies up to visit us one weekend each month, with longer visits during school vacations. The routine has changed since her terrifying flight down at Christmastime. She'd always been a willing and happy little traveler (at the ripe young age of 13 - she was 11 when her dad moved away) before this event. Now, she's afraid to fly. Our first priority, since dad and daughter were separated, has been to have her with us as often as possible. This has really put a kink in our lives.

What is with the airlines, anyway? We always pay extra money for unaccompanied minor status. They have phone numbers for her mom and stepdad in Seattle and her dad and myself down here. When the event occurred, did they call ANY of us ?? NO! For awhile, we had no idea where she was. AND we didn't know anything about the events that took place until my stepdaughter told us herself! We'd been told the plane returned due to mechanical difficulties. WE had to call to find out that much. It wasn't until we picked up the girl at the airport that we learned about the oxygen masks and all.... Somebody should've called so that her mom could have been with her after they landed back in Seattle! Somebody should've called to let us know what the hell was going on! We're thankful she wasn't hurt, but this has really affected the family. She's seeing a counselor and we're working on ways to help her with her fears. Hopefully one day soon she'll be ready to fly again.

Looks like a beautiful sunset out there. Wanna share it with me?
(well. not as spectacular as I'd hoped but here 'tis..)